Which came first: the pothead or the food addict?
That sentence sparked an awesome level of self analysis that helped me realize what my problem actually is. On Monday, like I said- I was all set to stop smoking weed for lent. That has been my plan for a while now. I have wanted to quit so badly and i just couldn't seem to do it. Now mind you- every time I smoke weed I binge. Its my thing- I smoke then I binge. Now I've been a food addict since I was 8- I've gone through anorexia. bulemia, all sorts of unhealthy manners of eating. Anyway- I've lost the ability to gain any comfort from binge eating- soberly. Binging used to bring me comfort- but now if i try to binge while I'm sober I feel horrible immediately- no comfort whatsoever. However- when I'm high- that's a different story. I don't have to eat when I smoke- however I have every time. Many times I tried to not binge and I remember thinking what's the point of smoking if I can't eat?
So here comes the brilliance- for so long I thought I was overeating b/c I was smoking and that I dealt with the fact that I binged when I smoked b/c I needed to smoke. But no- in actuality i smoke SO I can binge eat. So this Monday when I thought of quitting smoking every part of me was like "NOOOO" then when I thought of giving up binge eating every part of me was happy and ready for it, 100%
So for lent I'm giving up overeating. And I'm not gonna stop at lent. I'm giving this shit up for good. I'm 90 pounds overweight. I have tried SO MANY diets. Some worked, but I always gained the weight back- it was about a year or so ago that I realized that the weight was the symptom- not the disease. All those years I was dieting I was trying so desperately to cure the symptoms and sometimes I was able to, but the disease wasn't cured- so the symptoms kept coming back. The disease is my inner void. Its the reason I'm a codependent, a love addict, a food addict, you fucking name it- it's all to fill that void.
So- I smoked this week and I didn't binge and it was AWESOME! I didn't wake up sick, I didn't hate myself. It took all of the shame out of smoking for me. That's bc I never really felt ashamed of smoking- I felt ashamed of binging the way I did. This week there was none of that. So- I still want to stop smoking weed- but I got bigger fish to fry for the moment- like the thing that has been ruining my life since I was 8. My issues with my weight have consumed me. And now- I just want to not deal with it anymore. I don't care how long it takes to lose this weight as long as the number is going downwards and not up. I am allowing myself to eat whatever I want- but when the fullness sets in- no more food and that's it. Also- right now I want to eat badly but I'm full- so no food. And it's difficult not to eat- but its doable. I'm ready to let this security blanket go. That's what my binging and overeating is- a security blanket. I don't need it anymore. I'm ready to make the necessary changes in my life.
Yesterday I screwed up and overate. I felt sick, I felt ashmed, I felt like a piece of shit. The things that I always felt that I blamed on weed before- it was the overating that made me feel that way. So I woke up sick this morning and I didn't overeat! I just forgave myself for yesterday- I think i did it b/c I was thinking about Mr. Douche- and I did better today. Today instead of overeating I'm writing this journal entry and I feel blessed.
I'm gonna go work out.
So here comes the brilliance- for so long I thought I was overeating b/c I was smoking and that I dealt with the fact that I binged when I smoked b/c I needed to smoke. But no- in actuality i smoke SO I can binge eat. So this Monday when I thought of quitting smoking every part of me was like "NOOOO" then when I thought of giving up binge eating every part of me was happy and ready for it, 100%
So for lent I'm giving up overeating. And I'm not gonna stop at lent. I'm giving this shit up for good. I'm 90 pounds overweight. I have tried SO MANY diets. Some worked, but I always gained the weight back- it was about a year or so ago that I realized that the weight was the symptom- not the disease. All those years I was dieting I was trying so desperately to cure the symptoms and sometimes I was able to, but the disease wasn't cured- so the symptoms kept coming back. The disease is my inner void. Its the reason I'm a codependent, a love addict, a food addict, you fucking name it- it's all to fill that void.
So- I smoked this week and I didn't binge and it was AWESOME! I didn't wake up sick, I didn't hate myself. It took all of the shame out of smoking for me. That's bc I never really felt ashamed of smoking- I felt ashamed of binging the way I did. This week there was none of that. So- I still want to stop smoking weed- but I got bigger fish to fry for the moment- like the thing that has been ruining my life since I was 8. My issues with my weight have consumed me. And now- I just want to not deal with it anymore. I don't care how long it takes to lose this weight as long as the number is going downwards and not up. I am allowing myself to eat whatever I want- but when the fullness sets in- no more food and that's it. Also- right now I want to eat badly but I'm full- so no food. And it's difficult not to eat- but its doable. I'm ready to let this security blanket go. That's what my binging and overeating is- a security blanket. I don't need it anymore. I'm ready to make the necessary changes in my life.
Yesterday I screwed up and overate. I felt sick, I felt ashmed, I felt like a piece of shit. The things that I always felt that I blamed on weed before- it was the overating that made me feel that way. So I woke up sick this morning and I didn't overeat! I just forgave myself for yesterday- I think i did it b/c I was thinking about Mr. Douche- and I did better today. Today instead of overeating I'm writing this journal entry and I feel blessed.
I'm gonna go work out.
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