Where is this hatred coming from?
These past few days have not been very pleasant ones as I'm really feeling a lot of hatred toward her and I don't know for sure where it's coming from.
We haven't spoken in over a week and I skipped seeing the baby Wednesday because I was in a funk that even found me crying for no reason. I guess it's all part of the coaster ride. I'm pissed off at her because of her decision to end the marriage and to stop the reconciliation. I'm sure it would be easier to take if she wasn't seeing someone almost immediately after the recon try ended and if she didn't make it so obvious that she is having a great time with him. She had to have had her sights on him during the try and made her move when she felt the time was right.
So what if he has money..for years that was not an issue with her as we weren't wealthy but the bills were paid, we had food and a roof over our heads. Now, she's pulling in "gifts" that I'm sure are nothing more than rewards for her willingness to give it up to him. Maybe that's where the hatred is coming from.. She was willing to throw it all away because of the bulge in his wallet or elsewhere.
Maybe i'll feel a little better Tuesday when I file the last set of divorce papers, something that should be the last of it until we get the word from the court that the divorce will finalize 8/4. She is her own person and will do and is doing what she wants so why am I hurting and angry over something I have no control over? I know I need to direct this energy to myself but I can't get the thoughts to leave my mind. This fucking weakness is playing havoc with my self esteem or what there is left of it not to mention my basic emotional well being. I have to question that too.
I'll have patrol duties this weekend and with that, lots of driving time and that leads to thinking about whatever happens to come to mind. I hate this but I guess it's just something else to deal with. I'll just be glad when I can finally feel like life is worth living because right now I don't think it is.
We haven't spoken in over a week and I skipped seeing the baby Wednesday because I was in a funk that even found me crying for no reason. I guess it's all part of the coaster ride. I'm pissed off at her because of her decision to end the marriage and to stop the reconciliation. I'm sure it would be easier to take if she wasn't seeing someone almost immediately after the recon try ended and if she didn't make it so obvious that she is having a great time with him. She had to have had her sights on him during the try and made her move when she felt the time was right.
So what if he has money..for years that was not an issue with her as we weren't wealthy but the bills were paid, we had food and a roof over our heads. Now, she's pulling in "gifts" that I'm sure are nothing more than rewards for her willingness to give it up to him. Maybe that's where the hatred is coming from.. She was willing to throw it all away because of the bulge in his wallet or elsewhere.
Maybe i'll feel a little better Tuesday when I file the last set of divorce papers, something that should be the last of it until we get the word from the court that the divorce will finalize 8/4. She is her own person and will do and is doing what she wants so why am I hurting and angry over something I have no control over? I know I need to direct this energy to myself but I can't get the thoughts to leave my mind. This fucking weakness is playing havoc with my self esteem or what there is left of it not to mention my basic emotional well being. I have to question that too.
I'll have patrol duties this weekend and with that, lots of driving time and that leads to thinking about whatever happens to come to mind. I hate this but I guess it's just something else to deal with. I'll just be glad when I can finally feel like life is worth living because right now I don't think it is.
Replies
I\'m sorry the last few days haven\'t gone well. I\'ve been unusually teary and unable to control my emotions too. Have you read Getting Past Your Breakup? I think LoneBuck recommended it. The author suggests practicing positive affirmations. It sounds like something you could do during your patrols to pass the time in a productive manner. Feel better soon.
Thanks, Missy.. I\'ll have to look into it
John, you wouldn\'t be human if you didn\'t have those feelings. I know for me I am angry because I feel so betrayed, not just by him, but by his family as well. I am also angry that he dared to treat me so hatefully and callously. Who in the hell does he think he is? I couldn\'t fathom treating anyone the way he\'s treated me, that what shocks and angers me most.
I think the key is to recognize you\'re going to have those feelings and allow yourself to feel them without getting bogged down by them. When I get angry to the point that I feel it physically I try closing my minds door on those thoughts. It really does help, visualizing closing a door and locking the bad thoughts out of my mind. I learned that after my brother died. I still have bad days when I am full of rage but they are becoming fewer and further between. Getting involved in a divorce support group with real live people helps as well.