Where I find myself

I'm finding my sense of identity really well couched here at the monastery the more I live here the more I get to see how things are here and in life in general and understand them too. I've often searched for something like this in my life, a whole immersion job, a whole world (as one therapist said I needed) and now I'm attaining it. I came back to my room this morning after having a good service. I got down there around 4:45 in the morning, and then opened church and set things up all by myself.. Then I conducted service all by myself. It was gratifying. This feather in my cap and with new found awareness, I can keep more aware of just how happy or positive I am in and out of service. My therapist has helped me with that for sure. I feel like I'm contributing but also enjoying it. That's lucky! I came back to my room and I thought about making money. I have some money coming in, but very little and I would like a little bit more. Like I had with the market job I had. Nothing wrong with that I suppose. I have to evaluate that desire. The monastery is a full time 24/7 job. I'm thinking about what to do and the more I'm in touch with enjoying work here, the more I'm finding I'm itching for something more to do with my mind in my down time. Hence the itching for something to do in my downtime and for getting more money coming in. I find myself in action if that makes sense, rather than just woeful depression.

Though as I think about things to do and imagine what I could do or even imagine what I want, with that great engine of desire,

I think I am learning, that I have to be self responsible about that too. I can't have it all. So of course I'm mixing awareness into my thoughts that it's not uncommon for there to be some dreams and desires unrequited in life. When I think about what I want I just want money for good food for nice clothes, for enjoyment everything.

I can't just be a crying baby for what I want in life. I realize I also have to be self responsible. Take care of my desires, but also take care of my responsibilities to take care of my life so it's bringing me back to earth. I will talk to my therapist today and I'm looking forward to that. We have some services special services today too and then there's a vigil tonight. I'm trying to save money because I've got a lot of expenses coming up and only $300 for the rest of the month!!! Yikes!

I hope you guys are doing ok.

peace and good mojo,