Where do we go from here?

Well here we are again.  He's drinking full time now and doesn't hide it.  He's pretty much resigned himself to the fact that he's an alcoholic and this is how it is.  He doesn't hide it from me, but that also seems to give him permission to do it, that it's okay and we all know damn well it's not.  I even filmed him on my phone while drunk.  He didn't really do anything major but acted stupid.  My plan is to play this for him on Wednesday at our couples therapy session.  Like my title says, where do we go from here?  Or maybe, where do I go from here?

I'm upset.  Actually, I'm upset, angry, sad and just tired of it all.  It's all about him and his illness.  When is it my turn?  The line from the song "Rose's Turn" from the musical Gypsy always runs through my head.  "Well, someone tell me when is it my turn?  Don't I get a dream for myself?  Starting now it's gonna be my way...gang way world get off of my runway!  Starting now I bet a thousand, this time boys I'm taking the bows and...everything's coming up roses..."  Well the first two lines are the most important that I ask myself.  Why do I stay?  Am I scared?  Am I too comfortable?  Can I financial make it on my own?  How did I get myself in this situation?

I'm stronger than most people give me credit for.  I know that, always have.  I can't fix him.  I can't fix the situation.  I can only deal.  I had a long week at work.  This is my weekend off and here it is, Saturday night and he's ruined my weekend.  I'm going to try to salvage it tomorrow.  I'll try not to let him ruin Sunday for me.  But it's hard when he drinks and becomes like a petulant child who only wants attention.  God you can tell I'm gay as I keep referencing gay movies and shows.  I always think of the movie "Beaches" where Bette Midler goes to see her mother in Florida and tells her how John (her husband) doesn't pay any attention to her anymore.  Her mother laughs and tells her she's always wanted to be the center of attention and that she wears people out.  I feel that's what he's done.  Our few friends tried to be there but it was too much on them.  They couldn't handle it for their own reasons and I get it, not everyone can.  He wore them out.  His family is screwed up royally.  There's no help there.  I'm just worried that he's wearing me out too.

I just turned 49.  In another year I'll be 50.  Will we still be in this same boat?  Will we be dancing this same dance?  Playing these same parts?  I'm frightened because I feel the answer will be yes.  I started losing weight again and was doing good, now I stress ate and put it all back on.  I need to make the decision and eat right, I've got to take care of myself because he's only gonna make me more stressed and my health will suffer because of it.  No, he's not the cause of all my problems.  I never thought that, but he's not helping.  But how can he when he can't help himself?  He can't be there emotionally.  He can't be there physically for me either.  God he tried to be romantic tonight and it didn't go over well.  Last week we actually had sex, the first time in 4 years.  It was more on his end, to his satisfaction.  But I was just glad to have some contact again.  It turned into a good week and then went right back to a bad week the next week.  Why does he feel he has to sabotage any happiness we get?  

He sleeps till the afternoon and then he starts drinking.  If I'm working I come home to a drunk.  If I'm off, he wastes the day.  How can we move forward as a couple?  In therapy he wants to be more affectionate, be more spontaneous and do more things one on one.  I'd like those things too but I don't want those things with a drunk.  I can't even hold a conversation with him anymore because he goes right to anger.  Not that he does anything just gets pissy.  I have no fear that he's suicidal anymore.  But I don't want him doing things that he won't be able to fix.  I don't want him yelling at my mother and causing a strain there.  I don't want him calling or texting friends and alienating them.  The best I can hope for is that he just passes out and then he's safe.  He can't cause trouble and I know he's okay.

But that's no life.  I have a mother who's recovering from a stroke, living with us.  2 dogs and him.  I feel like I'm caring for 4 children.  I'm a single parent but not allowed to date.  Ha ha.  It would be funny if it wasn't so true.  I have to be stronger this week.  As much as I hate to do it, I'm going to have to be more confrontational in therapy.  It's going to suck and probably ruin my Wednesday night but we're getting to a point where something has to give.

I'm tired of him having no responsibilities.  Yes, he has money so he doesn't have to work.  But I'm tired of him putting his anger on my mom.   How she has so many problems.  I'm tired of anything that is bad or hard is an excuse to drink.  Yes he has depression and anxiety.  Yes, he was mentally and physcially abused by his dad.  I get all that.  But his dad is dead.  He's in control.  I want to say the thing you can never say to a person with depression.  GET OVER IT!  

Why is the bottle more important that our life?  Why doesn't he love me enough to stop?  My mind tells me the reasons for all this, I'm smart enough to know the answers.  I just wish someone would tell it to my heart.  I'm a bit more calmer now having written this.  I'm going to try and unwind before bed.