Where do I go from here?

half past one in the morning, left my wife asleep in bed to go and have a wine in the garage. Just can’t sleep! Not feeling overly depressed at the moment which is good, but wondering where I’m going lately. Thought I was feeling well enough to apply for a job(haven’t worked for more than two years), but an interview on Friday reminded me that I’m no way ready to just go and get a job. I can’t deal with the feeling of belittlement that I do halving to go for just any brainless job! I’m highly intelligent(was a very highly qualified pilot before losing my medical), I know that, and very bipolar, I know that too now after studying everything about it on google for more than a year now, or is that a couple of years now, I loose track of time, I always have. 

Starting  yet another new drug Lamotrigineyo go with Wellbutrin), and really hoping it does help bipolar and is not just another drug the pharmaceutical companies are pushing. The phychiatrist(never take notice how to spell that), is just guessing!!! He’s never seen anyone like me and has no idea of how to deal with me other than go through all the known drugs to mankind!!!) I might add that he’s intelligent too and tries his best, but he’s still only guessing! I really need some help right now to get back on track. I have a beautiful wife, who has some issues herself, but nothing too daunting, and nothing I can’t help her deal with. I’m very good at sorting out anyone else’s problem, I just can’t deal with my own. I’m worried now that Tania(my wife) is seeing some of my issues and that she may not be able to handle them. Need to add here that Tania is a very intuitive person who sees so much more than the average person( and that we’ve been together for more than 5 years). But I know she has never had to deal with someone like me. I have two boys, 2 sisters and a brother, a mum and dad, but none of them are what keeps me going. Now it is only Tan that keeps me going. I can not lose her!!!!

lol, I just read back over what I’ve written, all a bit dramatic, isn’t it? But actually, it is to me. I’ve tried suicide before and failed, just a lot of blood, drama, ambulances and surgeons. And get this, I went back to work 1 day later!!!  That was many years ago now, but something I still live with every day. I’m older and wiser now and have a foolproof plan. I say my goodbyes in the morning to Tan and the dogs, leave my phone and take cash only to a motel, a nice one with a spa bath. Take my drugs, drink, slit my wrists and go quietly in the bath(my good friend Brett did it one afternoon with a shotgun which is way too gruesome for me!). Tomorrow I finalise my will, another hurdle out the way. Not much else I can do for those left behind. Sorry about that. 

So folks, that’s where I’m at at the moment. Now ten past two and a bottle of wine later. I want to go to sleep and wake up without feeling this way again. But it’s becoming like the Chinese water torture, you Judy can’t stand it anymore. 

I know this is all very black, and I’m sorry if I upset anyone, but I am just searching for anything that will help. Unfortunately, these are the words that I would right in a journal.