Where do I go from here?
So lately I haven't been sleeping at all, and at first I tried to convince myself that it was something physical... I went to the Doctor and they gave me these sleeping pills for people with insomnia that are supposedly strong and s**t but they didn't work on me. And then eventually staying awake for so long I can't help it but keep thinking about things... Good, bad, important, ridiculous, just random thoughts, and overthinking things and it sent me back to that dark place where I'm just continuously exhausted and I feel drained, and I can't enjoy ANYTHING. I'd be out with friends and all I'm thinking is I want to go home and crawl into my bed and cry. It's bad. I realized a few days ago that I had to figure out what the hell is going on in my head that's making me feel like this, because obviously it's psychological and I started to wonder when and why I first felt like this... but then I realized, I don't know what "this" is. I don't know what it is because it's not just one thing it's a bunch of things that probably aren't that big of a deal but for some reason to me they just hurt like hell and it just sends me off to this place that I don't want to be in, because the longer I'm in it the more depressed I get.
What I realized is though things really got worse when I started university in 2010, I've always had that little bit of depression... I've ALWAYS been insecure, about my body, my personality, everything. I've ALWAYS felt like I'm not good enough, I've never felt like I have a real friend. Someone that would help me out when I'm in trouble. I've never had that person that I trusted enough to really be myself around. And I guess because of that I've always made up lies about my life, about things in my life that never happened, to make people think I had an interesting life, so that they would stick around... maybe a part of me did it to convince myself that I had friends, I don't know. What I do know is I've never been me around friends or family, I've always made up stupid crap and I repeated it so much that I think I began to believe the lies I told... And while trying to live my life as fake I lost the time I had to figure out who I really am, what like, and what I want to do with my life. All I know is what I've been pretending to be to the people around me.
I know it's really stupid, to lie to everyone, but I think I hated myself so much and I've always thought that if I can't even like myself how is anyone else going to even be my friend... I just wanted people to like me, I wanted to have friends... I didn't care if it was one friend or a million friends, i just needed friends and I realize now that anyone I've met and consider a friend, isn't really a friend because they have no idea who I am, I don't even know who I am... but I lied to them, which makes me a horrible friend and a horrible person. What is wrong with me... I've been lying for so long, it's become more like an automatic response.
I realized that all the lying I've done is probably what got me here. I mean it makes some sense I guess. I hated myself, I had no friends so I lied so people would hang out with me... but because I lied to everyone, I was never really friends with anyone... Which is why I've almost always felt alone, like no one really cared. But that wasn't other people's fault, it was mine. I lied to everyone, I hated myself, I isolated myself from people, and I'm the reason I'm alone today.
What I know is that there are four main things that placed me in the situation I'm in today are: Loneliness, self-hatred, lack of confidence, my continuous lack of being honest with others about my life and myself... And I believe that they're all intertwined in a way. My self-hatred and lack of confidence lead to my continuous dishonesty with others and my continuous dishonesty creates a barrier between me and the world which leads to me always ending up alone and basically friendless.
But now I don't know what to do with all of this information. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I don't know if it's useful information, or if I'm simply a fucked up person... I don't know. Where do I go from here?
What I realized is though things really got worse when I started university in 2010, I've always had that little bit of depression... I've ALWAYS been insecure, about my body, my personality, everything. I've ALWAYS felt like I'm not good enough, I've never felt like I have a real friend. Someone that would help me out when I'm in trouble. I've never had that person that I trusted enough to really be myself around. And I guess because of that I've always made up lies about my life, about things in my life that never happened, to make people think I had an interesting life, so that they would stick around... maybe a part of me did it to convince myself that I had friends, I don't know. What I do know is I've never been me around friends or family, I've always made up stupid crap and I repeated it so much that I think I began to believe the lies I told... And while trying to live my life as fake I lost the time I had to figure out who I really am, what like, and what I want to do with my life. All I know is what I've been pretending to be to the people around me.
I know it's really stupid, to lie to everyone, but I think I hated myself so much and I've always thought that if I can't even like myself how is anyone else going to even be my friend... I just wanted people to like me, I wanted to have friends... I didn't care if it was one friend or a million friends, i just needed friends and I realize now that anyone I've met and consider a friend, isn't really a friend because they have no idea who I am, I don't even know who I am... but I lied to them, which makes me a horrible friend and a horrible person. What is wrong with me... I've been lying for so long, it's become more like an automatic response.
I realized that all the lying I've done is probably what got me here. I mean it makes some sense I guess. I hated myself, I had no friends so I lied so people would hang out with me... but because I lied to everyone, I was never really friends with anyone... Which is why I've almost always felt alone, like no one really cared. But that wasn't other people's fault, it was mine. I lied to everyone, I hated myself, I isolated myself from people, and I'm the reason I'm alone today.
What I know is that there are four main things that placed me in the situation I'm in today are: Loneliness, self-hatred, lack of confidence, my continuous lack of being honest with others about my life and myself... And I believe that they're all intertwined in a way. My self-hatred and lack of confidence lead to my continuous dishonesty with others and my continuous dishonesty creates a barrier between me and the world which leads to me always ending up alone and basically friendless.
But now I don't know what to do with all of this information. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I don't know if it's useful information, or if I'm simply a fucked up person... I don't know. Where do I go from here?
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