Where did it go so wrong

From the start, I was always a shy kid, around other children that is. I was always fairly confident around adults. That probably where I screwed up. My parents were always at work so I was let at after schoolcare programs a lot. I have flashbacks from there that I'm not going to go into. I found school incredibly difficult due to extreme anxiety. I was always told I was an adorable little girl however by year 6 I had dermatillomania so bad my mum told me 'Stop picking at your face, people will think you have a disease.' That hurt a lot because I knew how hidious I looked and I couldn't do a thing about it. 
When I turned 15 I moved to a country town, EVERYONE wanted to know me and I thought I was just popular for once, perhaps nieve, I honestly had no idea that there was ulterior motive plastered all over the attention I was getting. Eventually I was raped while passed out at an older mans house. Soon after I met my partner whom I've only recently split up with. We had lots of good times together, but there were also lots of dark ones. He came from a fairly broken family and we were from two totally different worlds. When I was 17 he brutally assaulted me and all I could think about was not losing him, as he'd broken up with me. So eventually we went back out again. From the start of the relationship there were probably warning signs. I spent 7 years of my adolecent life being thrown against things, strangled, screamed at and manipulated to believe I was property, his property. 
Everything came to a head at the end of last year when a had an enourmous manic episode. I didn't care about anything, I believed I was an untouchable entity. Noone could hurt me anymore. I cheated on my partner and I felt no remorse at the time, I felt like the whole was mine to play with. It was very intense. 
When I was brought back to reality on my 13th psychiatric adsmission in December 2016, My anxiety became intense through the clarity I had of everything that had gone on in my past. Thats when the flashbacks started and I knew I couldn't continue in the relationship I was in. Even now he's one of my only friends and I stay almost completely socially isolated. I overdosed on Good Friday as I'd had/have had enough, enough of the sickening flashbacks, enough of the anxiety that gets so bad my hands shake uncontrollably, enough of being so alone. It obviously wasn't successful I pray for the mania to come back as it's the only escape hatch I feel as though I have while being alive.