Where did I lose me
As per Susy's post (thank you), I am going to start journaling to see if I can identify how I lost me and became all about living for him. Not really sure how to go about it, but have noticed that I usually start typing and at some point find the answer scrawled in there in plain sight along the way! So, here goes...
I know the beginning seemed pretty normal - even my friends say looking back that I was still me, going out with this new, cute, guy, but didn't seem too serious and all was good in the world. Then next thing we all knew, I disappeared.
After meeting him the first night and a couple of phone conversations, I did tell him I was divorced and had kids (this is only fair if we were going to continue dating). Our first real date was a bit unconventional - meeting most of his immediate family. I think it was good & bad that I immediately liked his mother and sisters, and the feeling seemed mutual. His dad didn't say much, but given the language barrier, I didn't think much of it. I actually didn't tell him about the circumstances of my divorce and my daughter's abuse until several dates/weeks later when I felt we might continue seeing each other (again feeling it fair for him to know). He seemed to really respect how together I was after recovery from such a horrible time and that I was not a bitter person over it.
The first bump in our dating came when he returned from a short trip out of town and called me up. I had been in an argument with a fellow dance instructor/friend when I picked up the call. His reaction was that if I was that happy to hear from him perhaps he shouldn't have called. My explaination didn't seem to help, as I should have just not answered if I had just left an argument. I did think he was overreacting a bit. Why did I let go? For one, because I was really upset with my friend and I probably shouldn't have answered the phone in that state for anyone (but actually was excited to see he was back). No, still doesn't warrant his reaction, but he also just returned from a long drive back to town and is likely not in a good space, either. So, I did let it go, thinking it was just bad timing on both ends.
Up to this point, things had otherwise been really normal. We talked a lot about me and we talked a lot about him. We had a lot of common interest with my dancing and interest in Middle East studies, philosophy, poetry, etc. Even our physical relationship developed fairly normally. He didn't try to rush me into bed. He did spend a lot of the times when we were watching a movie or just relaxing doing a lot of rubbing and stroking. It was nice and once we actually had sex, it was damned good. He still had times he went out with his friends and I still had times that I went out with my friends. He did start to let me know around this time about his "horrible way with time". At this point, he was never on time, really, but never way late, either. A lot of this, he put off to cultural differences and that in both Europe and Morocco, it was quite fashionable to be pretty late and no one was in quite such a rush as here in America. I'm not too much of a strickler for time myself, so again, didn't initially think too much about it.
It was around this time in the relationship that he briefly met my kids. It was really just the first time he had come to my house while they were here (at that time, they weren't quite old enough to stay home alone) and I had either met him somewhere or drove to his place after the babysitter arrived. He just came in when he picked me up, introduced himself, talked for a minute and then we left.
So far, so good. Looking back, insights I see now from this period of time are that he was really focused on my goodness. How patient I was in dealing with my kids. How patient I was in dealing with the ex-MIL. How calm I stayed in dealing with such a mess in my life and hadn't let it bring me down. And that he was intense. Not the status quo bad boy, but you could sense some kind of dangerous feeling somewhere under the surface. He did seem really prideful about his home country and heritage - like it really made him different and special. He talked a lot about being Moroccan and growing up later in France. He didn't really present as boastful, so much as just being "blessed".
I will continue next time with the next stage of our relationship...sometime when I'm not supposed to be sleeping :)
I know the beginning seemed pretty normal - even my friends say looking back that I was still me, going out with this new, cute, guy, but didn't seem too serious and all was good in the world. Then next thing we all knew, I disappeared.
After meeting him the first night and a couple of phone conversations, I did tell him I was divorced and had kids (this is only fair if we were going to continue dating). Our first real date was a bit unconventional - meeting most of his immediate family. I think it was good & bad that I immediately liked his mother and sisters, and the feeling seemed mutual. His dad didn't say much, but given the language barrier, I didn't think much of it. I actually didn't tell him about the circumstances of my divorce and my daughter's abuse until several dates/weeks later when I felt we might continue seeing each other (again feeling it fair for him to know). He seemed to really respect how together I was after recovery from such a horrible time and that I was not a bitter person over it.
The first bump in our dating came when he returned from a short trip out of town and called me up. I had been in an argument with a fellow dance instructor/friend when I picked up the call. His reaction was that if I was that happy to hear from him perhaps he shouldn't have called. My explaination didn't seem to help, as I should have just not answered if I had just left an argument. I did think he was overreacting a bit. Why did I let go? For one, because I was really upset with my friend and I probably shouldn't have answered the phone in that state for anyone (but actually was excited to see he was back). No, still doesn't warrant his reaction, but he also just returned from a long drive back to town and is likely not in a good space, either. So, I did let it go, thinking it was just bad timing on both ends.
Up to this point, things had otherwise been really normal. We talked a lot about me and we talked a lot about him. We had a lot of common interest with my dancing and interest in Middle East studies, philosophy, poetry, etc. Even our physical relationship developed fairly normally. He didn't try to rush me into bed. He did spend a lot of the times when we were watching a movie or just relaxing doing a lot of rubbing and stroking. It was nice and once we actually had sex, it was damned good. He still had times he went out with his friends and I still had times that I went out with my friends. He did start to let me know around this time about his "horrible way with time". At this point, he was never on time, really, but never way late, either. A lot of this, he put off to cultural differences and that in both Europe and Morocco, it was quite fashionable to be pretty late and no one was in quite such a rush as here in America. I'm not too much of a strickler for time myself, so again, didn't initially think too much about it.
It was around this time in the relationship that he briefly met my kids. It was really just the first time he had come to my house while they were here (at that time, they weren't quite old enough to stay home alone) and I had either met him somewhere or drove to his place after the babysitter arrived. He just came in when he picked me up, introduced himself, talked for a minute and then we left.
So far, so good. Looking back, insights I see now from this period of time are that he was really focused on my goodness. How patient I was in dealing with my kids. How patient I was in dealing with the ex-MIL. How calm I stayed in dealing with such a mess in my life and hadn't let it bring me down. And that he was intense. Not the status quo bad boy, but you could sense some kind of dangerous feeling somewhere under the surface. He did seem really prideful about his home country and heritage - like it really made him different and special. He talked a lot about being Moroccan and growing up later in France. He didn't really present as boastful, so much as just being "blessed".
I will continue next time with the next stage of our relationship...sometime when I'm not supposed to be sleeping :)
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