When will this sadness end

I never get on here anymore to but I'm starting to think that was a bad idea. I know I'm not a perfect person. I have so many flaws it's a shame. I have a bad temper and my muth can shoot daggers but I've been doing good so I thought. I prayed on it and I'm doing my best to heal the pain and troubles that i've cause myself and others. My fiance is so unsure these days and I cant really blame him. I said some really hurtful things and done some real messed up stuff but through it all he is the only man i've ever really loved outside of family. Some days things are great and other days I feel like we are definitely not going to make it. I dont know what i would do without him in my life without hs love. I've been hurt so much and i really think thats why i do the things i do and say the things i say to him. it's like thats my way of at least making sure that if i'm hurt someone is gonna hurt just as bad or worse. Lord knows i'm so sorry for all i've done and I'd give up the world just to make sure me and hIm are together forever. I never new that there was a love so strong that when things go wrong or he's not around that u physically hurt and get sick. Right now my chest feels like something is sitting on it I can't eat and i just want to throw up. I can't lose him and i will fight til my last breath to save what we have and i literally mean last breath because I know i cant live without my love.