when will I stop so I can start

I hate that I'm still using. I hate that it has to be me that lives this way. I wish I would of never done heroin. I wish I had it better then how I have it now. I know I complain too much. I know ppl have it harder then me. So why does it bother me so much. Why can't I just get sober. And why does it have to be me with the substance abuse disorder. I hate that about myself. I can't live a normal and functioning life. I can't just have one normal day. I feel it's all bullshit. Everything about me is bullshit, except MACHO and Journi. Heroin didn't bring itself to my face, I choose to put heroin in my face and mouth then take a big inhale They're not bullshit. They didn't ask to be here. I choose to bring them here. Just like I choose to try heroin. Just like I choose to keep my baby and not have a abortion. So why is it so hard for me to not chose to get sober? I'll never understand why this is so hard for me? Ill never understand why I give in to temptation so easily. I just want my baby. I just want to do what's right. Why can't I do what's just right.why am I even questioning myself so darn much and just get right. Stupid me. I'll never learn until it's finally too late. I don't want that to happen and I should not let that happen. I'm sick of myself being tired. I'm sick of myself complaining so Damn much.