When will I smile again
I know this terrible journey is often compared to a rollercoaster, but it seems like I have bee going downhill for quite a while now. I just can't figure out how to go on...or why. Cassi was my life and I certainly lost my life...now I spend my days crying, napping, watching t.v. I have come to wonder what I keep going for??? I am practically homebound. I am scared of driving, scared of people, scared of exiting the safety of my home and I don't know why. So I have no life and don't see how to create one.
It just doesn't make sense, everything scares me...yet I have been through the worst nightmare possible. I would have thought nothing could take me down after surviving that, yet here I am, scared all the time.
I just don't know what to do. If I could rustle up the courage, maybe a part time job would help. There just aren't a lot to go around. Just looking might pull me out of the funk a little bit.
Right now I am sitting up all night watching re-runs of friends...comfort television, from the 90's when life was bliss...and trying to find more reasons to live than not to live. I don't want to hurt my loved ones more, yet I am certainly not making them happy. They don't understand...they lost Cassi too, but she was my everything. They don't, not even her father, know the extent, the depths of despair I find myself in.
I tried to be so hopeful and so positive for so long...I don't know what happened, but I do know I can't tolerate another 8 - 10 years of this. I'm not accomplishing anything, just existing, miserably.
I can't be the only one with dark thoughts...sisters please be honest, brutally honest.
It just doesn't make sense, everything scares me...yet I have been through the worst nightmare possible. I would have thought nothing could take me down after surviving that, yet here I am, scared all the time.
I just don't know what to do. If I could rustle up the courage, maybe a part time job would help. There just aren't a lot to go around. Just looking might pull me out of the funk a little bit.
Right now I am sitting up all night watching re-runs of friends...comfort television, from the 90's when life was bliss...and trying to find more reasons to live than not to live. I don't want to hurt my loved ones more, yet I am certainly not making them happy. They don't understand...they lost Cassi too, but she was my everything. They don't, not even her father, know the extent, the depths of despair I find myself in.
I tried to be so hopeful and so positive for so long...I don't know what happened, but I do know I can't tolerate another 8 - 10 years of this. I'm not accomplishing anything, just existing, miserably.
I can't be the only one with dark thoughts...sisters please be honest, brutally honest.
Replies
I just saw your journal entry, and I have been where you are. My son died Nov/2014. He was my everything. I continue to struggle with the meaning of all of this. I too have contemplated not continuing life. Life can never be the same after what we have been through. Today, I have been working at cracking my son\'s cell phone code All Day. It drove everyone crazy, but there is still so much I don\'t understand about his death. I go on because I love my family, and and I can\'t do to them what Ralph did to me. I\'m sending you love and hugs right now. My heart goes out to you with love and compassion.
Chris
I don\'t think there are any words I can say that would help. Just know you aren\'t alone. I am if nothing else, brutally honest. I would be less than honest if I didn\'t admit to dark thoughts of \"fuck it\". The thing that pulled me back was my family. I know they\'re hurting too. Not as bad nor in the same way but they are. I won\'t no I can\'t hurt them anymore than they are now. I have been called a bitch, an unfeeling witch and many more but the one thing I am not is heartless when it comes to my own.
Please feel free to message me if you want to talk or vent or just chat.
My heart hurts for you Gina. I wish I had the words to help you feel better. I do worry about you. I hope you are getting help you need to cope. It sounds like you are in a deep clinical depression.
You said that you are not making your family happy. I know that it would devastate them to lose you. The guilt and pain they would be feeling is unimaginable.
Tight hugs, M
Hi Gina, my son was my everything too. My \"birth\" family was neglectful and abusive, I got married at a very young age to an abusive man but when we had Eddie I was blessed. He was and still is the only thing (for lack of better words) that was mine, all mine. After I divorced his father, it was me & him against the world since his father disappeared. I feel that those of us whose only child has died have a unique situation. Not that our pain is worse that the other dear moms here, but different. No one calls us mom on mothers day or any other day. Our very identity is altered. I even wonder if I am even a mother anymore? I will be honest as you requested. I am a social worker & all of my colleagues are women with the exception of one man. I am out in the field most of the time but when I am in the office writing the endless reports I am required to do, my coworkers talk incessantly about their kids, bitching and moaning about having to drive up to their college, bring them stuff, get their laundry, blah, blah, blah! I want to slap them and say how I would give ANYTHING to drive ANYWHERE to bring Ed something!! The two weeks before mothers day & one or two days after is excruciating. My coworkers can be quite insensitive, even asking me what I\'m doing for mothers day. I say \"nothing.\" I have even had a coworker say, \"Oh stop it! You\'re still a mother!\" What does she know?! She knows nothing & one would think social workers would have a clue but nobody, except another SOTH, understands and thank God they don\'t! One of my friends, who is very sweet and kind and would never intentionally hurt me said to me recently, after not seeing her son for about a month (he\'s newly married) that \"Linda, I miss him so much. You have no idea how much this hurts!\" I said, \"Really? I think I have a pretty good idea.\" Gina, I have been on this horrific journey 6, almost 7 years now. All I can tell you is what keeps me going. I have found ways to shield myself from unnecessary pain when I can. I now take the Friday and Monday before & after mothers day off work so I don\'t have to listen to all the happy plans that everyone else has on mothers day and the day after \"post game report\" on all the mother /child festivities. I am going to retire a few months early in September & be done with all of it, thank goodness. I nurture animals, plants etc. I focus a lot on connecting with Ed spiritually and by that I mean I talk to him and look for and embrace signs. I do have grandchildren from Ed and that makes our journey different but they have a mom. I am not in that role with them but I do know I am blessed to have them. My husband\'s niece Kelly and her daughter Kelsey are close to us and I am included in their lives a lot and I am an active participant in their lives. I believe you have a nephew who is important to you? Try to find those in your life who need love and nurturing. Maybe even volunteerism with animals, kids, hurting adults? So many folks are isolated and could use someone reaching out. (That being said this is what has helped me on this journey and may be helpful to you or someone else. The first couple of years I watched a lot of mindless TV & I still do when it is too painful to think. I mostly stay home & hug the pets but do try & participate in functions when I am invited only to get out of the house & join the world for a little while. You are doing the best you can. If you need to watch TV & stay home most of the time so be it. I did that, read books about grief while having a \"light \" book to go back to for a long time after Eddie passed away. I honestly never thought of dying by suicide because I do believe this life is short & I will see Ed again & because I will not let life kick me in the teeth again without a fight. Losing our child is a TRAGEDY as you know only too well. I will not allow life to have another tragedy. And Gina, your husband, family and SOTHS love you. I am sure Cassi and Eddie want us to heal and they want life for us. Lastly, I am now the memory keeper. I am the only person who knew Eddie from the time of conception to the day he died. I will talk about him, share stories, talk about him as if he was still physically here & even though my talking makes some people uncomfortable, I don\'t care! My biggest job now is to let people know that Eddie was here! He lived, loved and yes, died. But dying is only one part of it. The bigger story is that he lived, loved and mattered! That\'s my mission now and it keeps me going. Even my grandchildren (and this is normal) are more focused on their future...weddings, college, children. Yeah, I am more focused on my past because the past is when Ed was physically here. And it\'s ok. It\'s where I want to be until I pass away and see him again. Do whatever even helps a bit. And it\'s truly day by day. One day you may be able to feel the sun on your face and for the next month maybe not. It\'s ok. Just do the best you can to take care of Cassi \'s mom. I know your hurt and pain and understand. No one should have to go through this level of pain.
If you feel you cannot stay safe, please go to a hospital and be evaluated. Believe me, you are loved.
Tight hugs and love to you and your precious girl, Linda
Gina i too understand as we all do. I am so very grateful to my job for allowing me to get up each day. It has truly been my lifesaver. I know we offer many programs to help people maybe you can see if your library offers any things you might like. A lot of libraries have sites on the computer you can check first and then give a call to the community services librarian for something that might be helpful. We offer knitting, crochet, chess, computer classes to name a few. Movies too and book discussions I am reading fall of marigolds for this month\'s discussion. I hope you can find some peace as we truly can get no answer to this horror we are in. Loving hugs, Kathy
I don\'t think there is a mom on this site that doesn\'t see themselves within this journal, I know I do. To find the energy to keep going often feels so out of reach, yet it\'s there.
What helped me and helps me to this day is when I\'m feeling the lowest is to reach out to another. Whether it\'s a neighbor on the street, another mom here who might come into my heart, anything that gets me out of myself for even a nano second. I truly believe my healing began when I noticed that even as depleted as I was I did have something that I could give of value that might lift another and in that it lifted me. I asked Douglas to companion me and help me to navigate my day and become a part of my day as Teri teaches us and that was a major corner to turn.
I do not have answers, I can only share what has helped and does help me and one thing I do know is that we are not meant to live in acute sorrow for a lifetime. It is time to seek additional tools and I\'m wondering have you ever thought of acupuncture? Not sure why that is coming in, yet it is and also for me deep tissue massages are a way of letting out often what is deeply embedded in my body that I might not even have been aware of.
I continue to send you love, prayers and YOU matter greatly, Gina. Cocooning for a time is needed and I still need it, yet I know when I need to get outside to feel the sunshine on my face once again and to connect with nature. Perhaps just those earth connections first before people connections...
Wishing I could smooth your path and know that I cannot, yet what I can offer is a hand and a heart.
Loving care dear Gina, and please seek the help that you need. If you cannot do it for yourself have your husband, mother, sister, a friend assist you. This is absolutely when we need others to help clear the way. I have asked and still do for this kind of help.
XO Joanie
Brutally honest. More and more I find myself existing in only a state of this. I have lost much of my ability to be compassionate, to laugh to celebrate anything. It just simply doesn\'t matter since Jason died.
As I read your journal it struck me that your fear of even leaving your home might be based in your overwhelming loss not only of your baby but in your ability to TRUST. At least that\'s what I attribute my need to cocoon over. I am not able to trust life, the circle of life - as I knew it, or the very valued people that I had in my life.
I was let down so severely first off with my horrible divorce in 2010 and most importantly, with my son\'s death in 2013. The people that I trusted most abandoned me or just didn\'t even reach out at all. To this day I am not able to trust and I know that when I go out anywhere, including my part time job, I am only a shell. There is no passion, no connection.
I too think of living in this existence for the next 10, 20 or 30 years and find no joy in the thought. As much as I tell myself if for no other reason, I have to stick around for my daughter, I also tell myself that sooner or later we all are going to die, so what difference does it make?
And yet so some inexplicable reason, I wake up every morning to this thing called my life.
I do agree with MissingLisa. You very eloquently describe what sounds like a very severe depression. Have you spoken to anyone about this and if you have, and you are taking some meds, perhaps its time to revisit their usefulness. Sounds like they might need to be adjusted.
I think of you often Gina. If you\'re away from fb for a couple of days i wonder if you are ok or in trouble. At least you and I, and so many other Moms have this safe place to come.
Keeping you and Cassi in my heart,
Merrilee
Gina, I was that way for a good five plus years. It was miserable but I guess it just needed to be... Last year I had anxiety so bad I could hardly do anything. I went to a counselor and he taught me how to breathe and coping mechanisms that worked or maybe I just made them work. Now I am enjoying life to its fullest but it has taken a very long while. I hope you are able to get through this too. I know it is not easy, sometimes I think we merely have to exist. Sending love and prayers your way...
You do need to talk to a professional, maybe meds to help you cope. It is not a cure all but it may help you get from day to day and work things out by talking to someone who is qualified to help you from deep down.
This is a very difficult journey, each of us deal differently. I went back to work soon after Mike left this earth, I could not sit around the house or I may have gone to the same dark corner you are in now. I had a job and I did not do it well for many years, but for me I needed to get out and do something productive ( that is just me).
Please take care, you are a wonderful person, you deserve to be happy again,
Tight hugs
Penny
You asked for brutally honest. For me, I went back to work two weeks after my son died, I had to financially. Like Penny, I did not do my job well for about a year, but I did it and did not (could not) stay in that dark corner. I am wondering if there are underlying issues that need to be addressed for your depression and not being able to leave the house/fear. God bless. XOXO
OMG, Gina....I wish I could add to the above replies, but there are no words!! I am in such a dark hole of depression and simply exist, from one day to the next. I was going to counseling, but it wasn\'t helping, so I stopped going.
I do know that I see your mom commenting on your post on FB and it is so obvious that she loves you.There is nothing wrong with cocooning yourself, when you need to. I have been doing it, on and off for years. However, if you are physically scared to leave your home, you may need to talk to your doctor about it.
Just be so gentle with yourself. You are very fragile...
((((HUGS)))), Julia
There are so many great responses from these women. A child can never be replaced even if you have one child or you have ten, but I do know that when I prayed to never wake up for months and months that my husband finally said...\"you have other children to raise and that\'s what you\'re going to do\". So there is that difference in \"having\" to participate for others that depend on you. I wish I had a great answer for you. I think one thing for my own situation is I finally had to have the desire. When you don\'t have the desire, you can\'t do much of anything. Do you have the desire? I think if you can muster up the desire then you can go from there. I went to work 10 days after my son died and I would go to the bathroom and just scream. However, it did provide many distractions through the day. A part time job may be good if you feel like you could do it. Now with spring here, go outside. A bright sunny day never hurts. Force yourself to accomplish one small thing a day. Go for a walk, try a new recipe, volunteer a few hours a week. Find something that makes your participate in life and maybe it will snowball from there. I know Cassi would want you to live. Life is short and you will be with her in time. Much love. Robin