when we make mistakes
I have been receiving a benefit from the state for some years now.
SSDI. It's been very helpful and I appreciate it.
Recently they sent me a 'status of my disability' form to fill out.
I really panick at forms. But at the beginning of this week,
in a manic state I felt confident and blew through the form and filled it and put it in the mail.
Just a few hours later it started to dawn on me how flawed my answers were. It's scary.
I think I might be in trouble. I have been obsessing about this all week since.
Now it's the weekend and because of my mistake a black cloud looms over my head.
I am having a hard time dropping it - but I don't want to be in trouble.
I came home from my part time job - and I am kind of in a holding pattern. Not doing much.
Not feeling like I want to do much - and I am trying to tell myself mistakes happen.
The issue is highlighting another element to my life. That element of my life where I conservatively
keep my world small in order to keep it manageable. It's ok that I do that - if that is what makes me happy.
But in the wake of having made a big mistake - the pain echoes values of self worthlessness.
I have an opportunity here to seize hold
of some self value and realize I deserve to be saved in life by myself. Just because I made a mistake I am worthy enough to be motivated to achieve
some things in life rather than just sit still, sit by and live life safely or in a safety seat. I think the answer for me lies somewhere in between. A world that reassures me in a way where it's kept manageable and in a way I like but also with some motivated
growthful direction... I can do this!
I made a mistake and I guess I will just have to deal with it.
Replies
I haven't found a good name for ^it^ but there is a very distinct, lingering anxiety I get with every form I have ever filled out, be it digital or paper, whether I treat it like a lark or agonize over it for weeks before I hand it over. Emphasis on lingering. I still sometimes have anxiety attacks over the mimeographed form I filled out to join a Junior High School choir in the mid 1960's. Did I check all the right boxes? Have I committed myself to singing alto for the rest of my life? What dumbass mistake did I make THAT time? Is Homeland Security going to put me on a list for it?
Well. . . At worst we can come visit you in prison while you deal with the consequences of this week's mistake, Mark.
Chances are they will bring it up again and you can talk more about it then.
ok!
Gentle hug sweetie..... I tend to be a worrier as well......When we do that we can become our own worst enemies...… Mindfulness meditation is supposed to be a big help with this..... Another hug..... I wish it were easier my friend......xo
thanks Jan!