when things get too silent
I had a busy morning at work. Got lots of work done and was pleased and contented with the work
I did. Took a photo of next week's schedule as usual.
I then drove home, stopping by the gas station to get gas and lottery tickets like I do every Thursday.
It's my Thursday routine.
Got home and Blue was jubilantly meowing that his good buddy had returned.
I got down on the ground and pet him for a spell.
Then I made lunch, paid a bill, watched some Rick Steve's Travel Show
and then jumped in the shower and then dressed.
I drove to the bank for a transaction and then drove back and stopped by the Vons
to buy my Dad his favorite beer (which I'll give to him on Sunday) and bought
myself a coffee.
I came home and rested for a little while and then cleaned the dishes, put things away, wrote in my accounting ledger, cleaned the kitty litter box,
made the bed and prepared my clothes and my medicine for tomorrow and this evening's routine.
Just played with Blue again and talked to my Dad on the phone. I had called him earlier to touch base.
It's so strange how when it gets too quiet around here the mental needling happens.
I feel worn out and yet also determined to keep on keeping on. I asked my Dad how he was doing
and what was he up to today. He responded "just 'every day' things...we all gotta do them." I told him what I'd been
doing too... It's made me think, I have been proud of my 'every day' things' accomplishments that I get done
and the way my Dad talked about it - it's like he reassures himself that he's staying the course
by doing his 'every day' things - and that's teaching me a lesson. It's another kind of affirming take on things.
When it gets too quiet I can hear the critique from another family member about me 'spending time alone
in my apartment' - when IN FACT I am living my life and taking care of myself...and enjoying that indeed.
I know I have struggles but I like taking care and know that being self responsible is key.
Those kind of memory 'bombardments of criticism' shouldn't dissuade me from living as I like- but I definitely need
to keep 'self responsible' - and if it's in the pleasure of taking care of myself, I can reassure myself
that it is good enough. I think I'll go for a quick ride up to St. Max's Church. Or maybe just a walk around
the neighborhood. That would help. Peace.
Replies
I think there’s often a comment from family that can really chide. I experience it with one relative (before and after my diagnosis) and on the other spectrum, my late grandfather was always hard on me then when I received a diagnosis he extended compassion and understood I had extra struggles that required extra care and attention. You are doing fine. It’s good to keep a steady awareness and balance and a smart smart way to stay healthy. When you’re ready you’ll do something else but for now, it’s all good and don’t add unnecessary pressure on yourself.
Thanks Nikki
every academic debate i've ever listened to on the subject of oxymorons has included "thunderous silence" as an oxymoron.
"thunderous silence" has never been oxymoronic inside my own sensory perception.
I hear you. I think it's a beautiful metaphor and oxymoron!
there's also the aspect that when people discuss accomplishments of taking care of 'everyday tasks'
for those who have had a major mental health challenge or a major physical injury - there is a great power and potency for the achiever of taking care of every day tasks, whereas for some it may be something they've always been able to do - I think they might not experience the same power of it of feather in their cap quality - but even so I still think they probably feel the pride of taking care of themselves and keeping on the responsible path of life/of staying the course.