When memories of addictions get in the way of healing
I hate harping on this, but I don't know where this would fit on the boards so I pretty much have to leave it here and hope against hope that someone finds it.
This is how bad the memories from the high school smoke bombing and subsequent puzzle addiction (let's face it, I was hiding using that) have gotten. My dad got this compilation of rec room games for the Nintendo Wii in our living room, and he was hoping that I'd try it today because I had a day off. My sister happened to also be around and she tried to prod me into doing so, several times.
Suffice it to say, that didn't work. I couldn't even pop the shrink wrap from the package. Actually, it gets much worse than that: I have a Nintendo DS game from last Christmas that is still in its shrink wrap, unopened. That's how bad it has gotten. I literally can't pull out anything fun anymore without being effectively forced to because I fear a relapse so badly.
This is why that goal to find what makes me happy had to come down with no progress made last month. The fear of getting addicted has imputed itself into virtually everything, and I've reached the point where if it's not good and productive, I want no part of it. This has led to a lot of nights of me just lying in bed, because doing nothing has become safer than doing something. I guess you could say that it's working in reverse now.
This means I'm effectively cornered. Last semester crashed out so bad in part because I couldn't relax, but the fear of a relapse is so strong that I have no ways to relax. None. And I don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to face-to-face about it, which pretty much handcuffs me to here.
This is how bad the memories from the high school smoke bombing and subsequent puzzle addiction (let's face it, I was hiding using that) have gotten. My dad got this compilation of rec room games for the Nintendo Wii in our living room, and he was hoping that I'd try it today because I had a day off. My sister happened to also be around and she tried to prod me into doing so, several times.
Suffice it to say, that didn't work. I couldn't even pop the shrink wrap from the package. Actually, it gets much worse than that: I have a Nintendo DS game from last Christmas that is still in its shrink wrap, unopened. That's how bad it has gotten. I literally can't pull out anything fun anymore without being effectively forced to because I fear a relapse so badly.
This is why that goal to find what makes me happy had to come down with no progress made last month. The fear of getting addicted has imputed itself into virtually everything, and I've reached the point where if it's not good and productive, I want no part of it. This has led to a lot of nights of me just lying in bed, because doing nothing has become safer than doing something. I guess you could say that it's working in reverse now.
This means I'm effectively cornered. Last semester crashed out so bad in part because I couldn't relax, but the fear of a relapse is so strong that I have no ways to relax. None. And I don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to face-to-face about it, which pretty much handcuffs me to here.
Replies
Oh wow, i didn\'t know it was this bad...very sorry to hear that. Sucks that you don\'t talk to anybody in real life about it...is it a trust thing, or a feeling they wouldn\'t understand? Either way, I\'m sorry. This might be useless advice. So forgive me if I\'m way off base. Have you tried using a video game with limits? i\'m just thinking that almost every game I\'ve ever played has some type of time built into it. One mission, one race, one something. Would it help to tell yourself that you\'re stopping after one (or however many you have time for) and liteally walking away? Handing the game off to somebody else who wants wto play? Somehow distancing yourself? If it\'s an already-tried idea, I\'m sorry.Wishing you the best, as always :)