When meds stop working
It has been a year of feeling trapped on a merry-go-round. Last May was my husband's first hospitalization. What a long year it has been to try and get back to a place of stability. We were so close at the beginning of this year, but in March the Vibrid, that had been doing so much good, stopped working. Despite increasing the Lamictal, my husband continued to spiral into deeper and deeper depression. Here we are a year later and almost back to where we started. The psych has been helpful and tried his best, but the toll has been incredible.
The loss of intamacy over the last several months has been the hardest to take. I'm not talking about just physically, but emotionally. The person I care the deepest about, who knows me to my core, no longer can communicate with me. He is so wrapped up by the BP, that he needs to use all his energy to fight it. There is not thing left to help comfort me. There is nothing left period for me. It takes a great deal of my own energy to fight the BP; more than I can replace.
My family is of no help. My friends are so far away. My God is close to me, but I could use some physical arms to hold me as I cry, a audiable voice to tell me I'm doing a good job and it WILL be ok, someone to ask "how are you doing?" My life has taught me those things are too much to ask for. Still, they'd be nice.
If I give my pain a voice, maybe it will leave me alone for a while. I can only hope. I can only hope.
The loss of intamacy over the last several months has been the hardest to take. I'm not talking about just physically, but emotionally. The person I care the deepest about, who knows me to my core, no longer can communicate with me. He is so wrapped up by the BP, that he needs to use all his energy to fight it. There is not thing left to help comfort me. There is nothing left period for me. It takes a great deal of my own energy to fight the BP; more than I can replace.
My family is of no help. My friends are so far away. My God is close to me, but I could use some physical arms to hold me as I cry, a audiable voice to tell me I'm doing a good job and it WILL be ok, someone to ask "how are you doing?" My life has taught me those things are too much to ask for. Still, they'd be nice.
If I give my pain a voice, maybe it will leave me alone for a while. I can only hope. I can only hope.
Replies
Hang on dear friend and try to remember - this too shall pass. I had the same experience as you when my husband had a hard depression episode. He had also distanced himself from me both physically and emotionally. But now it\'s ok, and much much better. Try to occupy yourself with some hobby you like, try to relax.
I know this is not like a real voice of a friend talking to you but I hope it makes it at least a little bit easier for you.
Be brave.
I know how you feel.
Hugs
I too understand the physical and emotional distance that comes with bipolar episodes and not having anyone in my life that can be here to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. It has to be the loneliest feeling in the world.
I am here if you need to talk. I know it\'s not the same as having someone right there with you, but I know for myself that just being able to chat online with some of the other people on this site has really helped me get through a lot of rough patches. Feel free to private message me if you like.