When issues get intertwined,,,
I notice a lot of activity from friends and others I need to get to and I promise I'll get to as much as possible in a couple of hours. But first this:
The ID renewal journey, in the end, worked itself out. But it was very rough and with the issues I'm trying to talk out here it ended up creating a perfect storm.
First I got to my bus stop only to find that the bus I intended to take disabled en route and never came close to my stop. I could have called my dad to ask if I should walk or get a lift to the metro (subway), but my "people just suck outside of DS, I don't even want to interact with them" issue flared as it has an awful lot these last two weeks, so I just stood there and waited, adding another 45 unnecessary minutes to the trip by the time it was over.
But here's the really sad part: If you've ever been to a registry branch, you know you're probably going to wait. So it's probably a good idea to bring something to read or something like that, right? Well...I couldn't do that. It's a double problem...first is the one we already know, which is that I can't trust myself with anything.
Here's the other part of that, and yes, it does chain reaction: The reason I can't trust myself with anything is the abuse issues I have with them gave me a really convenient excuse to hide from things I didn't want to face for as much as I've dared. Remember how I said a while ago that I intentionally trainwrecked several interviews after my accounting job ended because I didn't want to meet the HR person? Well, a lot of that was cinched by abusing stuff, usually puzzles, the night before so that I wouldn't sleep well enough and then fall asleep on the metro the next day until the interview was literally a lost cause.
These issues -- the people issues, the inability to relax -- they connect to each other, just like that. I've used one to feed the other. A lot of you who read this are going to say wow or yikes to this, but I have to say this because it's true, and how else is it going to come out?
(PS. For what it's worth, the lady who processed the ID renewal was as nervous and spazzed as I was.)
The ID renewal journey, in the end, worked itself out. But it was very rough and with the issues I'm trying to talk out here it ended up creating a perfect storm.
First I got to my bus stop only to find that the bus I intended to take disabled en route and never came close to my stop. I could have called my dad to ask if I should walk or get a lift to the metro (subway), but my "people just suck outside of DS, I don't even want to interact with them" issue flared as it has an awful lot these last two weeks, so I just stood there and waited, adding another 45 unnecessary minutes to the trip by the time it was over.
But here's the really sad part: If you've ever been to a registry branch, you know you're probably going to wait. So it's probably a good idea to bring something to read or something like that, right? Well...I couldn't do that. It's a double problem...first is the one we already know, which is that I can't trust myself with anything.
Here's the other part of that, and yes, it does chain reaction: The reason I can't trust myself with anything is the abuse issues I have with them gave me a really convenient excuse to hide from things I didn't want to face for as much as I've dared. Remember how I said a while ago that I intentionally trainwrecked several interviews after my accounting job ended because I didn't want to meet the HR person? Well, a lot of that was cinched by abusing stuff, usually puzzles, the night before so that I wouldn't sleep well enough and then fall asleep on the metro the next day until the interview was literally a lost cause.
These issues -- the people issues, the inability to relax -- they connect to each other, just like that. I've used one to feed the other. A lot of you who read this are going to say wow or yikes to this, but I have to say this because it's true, and how else is it going to come out?
(PS. For what it's worth, the lady who processed the ID renewal was as nervous and spazzed as I was.)
Replies
Okay, this might sound weird but I think you\'re looking at this a bit wrong. I know it\'s really easy to focus on what went wrong. But instead of what\'s wrong, try looking at what\'s good: you went out and did something that scares you or makes you nervous, and NOTHING bad happened!!!!! I mean okay, it could have been done a bit quicker, but you did it, and nobody \"got\" to you in a bad way, right? Think of it as a baby step toward something really good, not a collection of things that went wrong. See what I\'m saying? I know it\'s really hard, trust me, my mind works the same way, I just focus on the bad stuff unless when the depression is bad...but you really can change that! It takes work but it\'s totally possible :)
Summer is right, if you think about the day, yeah the bus thing is inconvenient, but not lifeshattering, nothing bad happened. In fact you had to deal with someone who was going though the same thing you were. if you consider every day you walk out of your house, how many of those have really had a situation that should reinforce the fears? the number i would think should be pretty low. So in that she is right, try to think of the good side. logically speaking the odds of a reinforcing incident actually happening is slim, and if there is any truth to a self fulfilling prophecy, you may just find one if you focus on it enough.:D so in short, chin up as it sounds like all in all it was a good day and goals were reached :D
Here\'s kinda the problem...said fears are already so deep that it takes very little to reinforce them now. But the issues with taking the edge off of me is a much more urgent problem right now, and yet it just seems to tie into this to create a horrible mess. I am very scared that once the fall semester starts on Tuesday I will fall apart instantly because as it stands these interconnections are too much for me to deal with as a whole...and yet I can\'t seem to break it down.