when I don't know what my feelings mean
I really think what I wrote about the other day, having to do with struggling during
the day and then coming home and watching people struggle on the tv, has some kind of truth to it.
I know when I go to work - where I am super fast on my feet with lots of activity -
I also know my mind fights me but the work itself helps it diminish.
Then when I come home my mind fights me here...maybe it's looking for a fight and flurry of activity
at home as well? I try to engage it and direct it.
I know and want to express that I am not always so good at interpreting or understanding
what my feelings mean. Today right after work, I tossed aside the feelings of meh about things at work that
could have made me go negative -
and then as I left the nature presenting itself to me, sunshine and wind so beautiful, it really lifted my spirits and embraced me.
This was my spirituality, I thought. This was my communion!
So, I came home. Played with Blue and made lunch - then showered and changed
and then did a couple of errands. I came back home. Did a small project and then slowly
the status quo (inaction and no plan) started to press down on me. I thought to get to work and share on the site.
I don't really know what to do with my feelings so much - I write it out - but I don't understand
why I just don't have a good relationship with the 'go go energy within me' - that makes me fight to
get good work done on the job - and then gets me going to take care of my life - but it's like any
prolonged period of inactivity - with nothing planned and that energy morphs into a pressing me down into
a depression and a self torturing. I wish I could just rest..I will get on with the night time routine soon.
Tomorrow is another day!!
Sending peace and good mojo.
Mark
Replies
This sounds like a great discussion to have with your therapist. I had the go-go issue, and my med was tweaked. The constant go-go w/o the ability to relax was an exhausting way to live. The med really helped, but I think it’s taking away too much of my go. I’m trying to find the right balance. Tempted to try a much newer med but am getting tired of the search. So glad that Nature embraces you, too. You do a great job journaling (and other coping strategies/routines) to process what’s going on. I’m in awe of your ability to so easily share what you’re feeling/thinking. I think that mindfulness really helps w feeling good in the down time. I have to keep reminding myself to apply it, not just learn about it. When I can get motivated to do a guided meditation, I feel the anxiety start to melt. So hope you soon find a way to relax more.
springing from the theory that feelings are the greatest monitoring system ever designed, feelings don't mean a thing. they are merely responding to ambient conditions, rather like a burglar alarm informing you that a stray dog is peeing on a car tire. we don't always get to know what set the blasted thing off this time.
today's description of your mental battle ground put me in mind of a daily meditation reader i have been using for some odd months. it's called, "daily meditations for practicing course" by karen casey. i had never heard of "a course in miracles before i bought this second-hand book so i'll leave that part alone, but according to this reader, that battle is between the holy spirit and human ego.
and don't ask me why i felt a need to tell you that. . . just responding to my monitoring system. feelings go where they go.
thanks so much gr8ful1 and arfie! It is so good to hear your feedback.
I am keeping at the routine but also feel like I have so unfolded like
a lobster on his back. Again - each day serves up a new sandwich you gotta
eat. So, maybe I'll just remember that - and keep on keeping on.
You guys rock!! x :)
I hope the new day is a refreshing reset. Not everyday can be the greatest day ever, but maybe we need a few of those to recognize the best things in life in a bigger picture to help frame new perspectives? Just thoughts. Big hug, Marky.
Thanks Nikki! I’m here at work waiting for it to start!! Good vibes!