when alone my mind can go to extremes

I am very much a people person...more than I can express.
I feel alive and encouraged when I am around other folks...though it's so powerful

that I can become neurotic and retiring because it's such a powerful force...

and on the converse side, when alone I don't have the greatest perspective

on my own life...I can go to extremes mentally and emotionally as a result...

like right now I have been so drawn into an abyss trying to know what to do

that I have been thinking about suicide (sorry if this triggers)

but I know that if I were around friends or family - I would feel like those wishes

were just nonsense and not real.....and so I figured I ought write about that...

When alone I analyze things on a very strange plane of existence- like yesterday

after the day was over - I was asking myself what I wanted out of life (because when I am alone

it's like I go into professional just waiting mode and I don't have a real drive in me to do

my own thing.) I decided what I wanted out of life was to have good food, good experiences

and yes some sex (lol). By realizing this, it motivated and gave me a framework from which how I could

look at my time alone - and how to make that which I wanted into reality...Does that make sense?

The framework helped me have a rationality about things - a motivation.

Then I went to bed and I woke up this morning - and kicked myself out of bed at 515am - and though I wasn't really into it

I drove myself to go out and get my coffee. I kept on repeating to myself "be good to yourself, be good to yourself"

and so I did it - remembering that going for coffee was a good experience to give myself - 

and though at the time I was kind of not into it - I also know that giving myself that small good morning

experience was a way to be nice to myself...

Then I came home and just turned on CBS Sunday morning.. I realized as I was sitting there

that I wasn't really into watching the show - but it was something to do..(professional waiting again.)

But no matter - I thought of how I go to extremes when alone - and tried to frame things

with the perspective of that understanding in order to mitigate that tendency.

I did start to feel like this craziness I live with was not worth it - but I want to reject it.

I want to offer things here, to the gods of psychosis, and that I will remember - the times

that I do live for are with the people who matter to me...tomorrow is another day -

and later today I will have a zoom call, I will possibly go to my parents' house, I will

be in touch with DS.org buddies and friends.

I'll take a shower shortly and hopefully that will change my spirits for the better.

Just having written this - it helps to vent the crazy stuff out of my system - and I feel better.