when alone

I've been struggling a little bit this morning but then having moments of inspiration

and repreive. I went to get coffee, I did laundry, I went for a walk at the horse park,

I came home and made lunch. I was imagining for myself a happy life at the monastery...or trying it on in 

my minds eye.

I went for a walk to the Trader Joe's and bought some chili sauce for my veggies and

a bottle of port. I thought about how when living alone you start to serve, if not a relationship

like with my buddy Blue or a full blown significant other...you kind of start to serve the relationship

you have with your appetites of all kinds. It's something I've struggled with for a while..at least

that is my assumption of what I am struggling with. I thought of how the monastic life would be having

a life kind of through a kind of philosophical lense and yet then on the other hand I would have to renconcile

my 'passions' of being a human being.

I thought some more about going to the monastery - and I thought rather than give myself a no holds barred

commitment to it - why not set out to live there a year and then if I don't jibe with it - to come back to 

the world of my family and friends. Though I wouldn't stop being in touch with any of them if I were there.

In honesty this is me fantasizing. I can't leave being near my parents. They are older now and I don't want

to be deprived of seeing them.

I'm confused and a little depressed. I just don't know how to make sense of my feelings, appetites and energies sometimes - and like I am

drawn in two directions. But perhaps I'll just have a snack and some port...and think on the idea of not

letting perfect be the enemy of good. I will focus on Blue.

I hope you guys are doing ok! Your lonely pal in absentia :).

xo

Mark