Whatever

I just needed to journal again.  It's not that I don't care anymore (because I do) but I don't care anymore.  If you know, you know.  My husband went and got clean and sober again, lasted maybe a month or a little longer and then relapsed.  I get it, part of the process is falling off the wagon and starting again.  The funny thing was, we had a bad incident.  Our phones were cyber-hacked and we lost access to them and our emails and the hackers got all our information.  We were lucky and they didn't get our bank accounts, but they did wrack up fraud charges on his card and my online account.  I'm out about 700 bucks so not great but could have been worse.  It's worse because they keep trying to open cards in our names and our credit scrores are gonna suffer.  We've been in touch with the big three credit watches so they know, but it still sucks.

During all this stressful time, with him home and dealing with every fraudulent charge, I have to say I was proud of him.  I thought for sure he'd go back to drinking.  But as he said, he had to stay sober and be present to deal with everything.  Well surprise, things are slowly getting back to normal so since we're over the worst part (I think) what do we do?  Let's get shitfaced drunk everyday!

His birtdhay was yesterday, 54.  I got him flowers, which he thanks me for.  Put a card out at dinner, he didn't bother to open it.  His gift arrived today, and I put it in a bag and added the card and told him it was here.  He looked at the bag, ate a few bites of dinner and went back to bed because he's drunk.  Meanwhile, the little cake I bought him is still untouched in the freezer.  Made small talk, he listened I guess.  Of course I had to watch him struggle to remember how to put a salad together.  

I just cleaned up the meal and made my lunch for work tomorrow.  I haven't really gotten to be "with" him since Sunday (and I'll be honest, I can't even remember much of Sunday).  I hate not knowing what I'm coming home to.  He already drunk talked to his sister today, who drives him nuts.  Friends are coming over for weekly game night tomorrow.  Wonder if he'll be present or if he'll cancel.  He has to talk to his therapist tomorrow but I wonder if he will.

So here I am.  I mean it's nice to have some me time, but for someone married, it's more like having a drunk roomate.  Not sure what else to write, I just needed to get some stuff out.  I'm mad, I'm upset, I'm also just done.  Why do I always have to be the strong one?  The one who keeps on chugging.  When do I get my breakdown?  Whatever.