What if...
I'm scared. I trust my boyfriend, but I'm scared of getting hurt again. I'm always questioning everything, and now that he's in Philly and I'm here in Georgia, I'm even more worried...and I can't talk to him face to face like I need to...and he's not here to hold me so I can feel reassured...I needed that. I really needed someone holding me, telling me they love me and wont hurt me, but when I finally get it, it's taken away. After all these years, I finally started dating again, and now he's gone.
I always wonder when he's going to hurt me...I wonder what if he's playing me...I wonder what if he only wants sex, and knows all the right things to say to make me believe otherwise...plus he's not Christian, so I don't even know if we'll work or not. I prayed for so long for someone like him, but I wonder all the time if this is real. I'm scared it's all a lie, because what seems too good to be true usually is. Honestly...if he were to hit me...or rape me...or cheat...or hurt me emotionally...I don't think I have the strength to walk away. I pretend to be strong, but I'm not at all. I'm naturally submissive, and I want a strong man like he seems to be to take care of me, but I only seems to attract guys that will hurt me and use me, if I even attract anyone at all.
Maybe he's good - the only flaw being our difference in religion - but maybe he's what I'm afraid of...maybe he's just one more abusive man I get to be hurt by...I've been raped, cheated on, emotionally abused, sexually assaulted and harassed, and rejected...and I've been the other woman...and I've been lead on...talked about (good and bad)...I've never been with anyone I could trust. One guy I was with in high school I suspect was even made up by a so-called friend (who people thought liked me). I've honestly thought of going gay. Seriously. After I was raped at 17, I started finding girls somewhat attractive, and the more I was hurt by guys, the more I thought to give up on them...but I'm the smart, joyful, shy, do-good-er, Christian girl...I can't like girls, and I can't have a non-Christian boyfriend. I can't be the girl that was raped, raw, for months. I can't be the girl that almost gave in and almost became a prostitute. I can't be the girl that was addicted to porn, and still til this day struggles with it and sometimes will watch it. I can't be the girl that wants to drink and FINALLY loosen up...no, I don't drink hardly at all, if ever. I'm the do-good-er that can't lie; that tries to not be such a perfectionist because although I feel pressured to be perfect, I'm too messed up to live up to my potential - which will never actually be perfect because true perfection is utterly unattainable. I can't be the girl that seriously needs counseling, no. I can't be the girl that secretly had an eating disorder for over a decade! And even when it was "under control," mentally it was tearing me apart. I'm the do-good-er Christian girl...and I'm so messed up - much more than I'm allowed to show. I feel like I've been caught, imprisoned, and forced down by everyone's expectations (which I know realistically may not even be there). I'm smart and analytical, so I know that most of the pressure I feel is self-inflicted, but I can't get away from it...I'm stuck.
If I'm hurt again, I think it would be just like it always have been - the guy hurts me in private, and I walk around behind the mask of the smart, joyful, shy, do-good-er Christian girl that loves everything and doesn't have any real problems.
I always wonder when he's going to hurt me...I wonder what if he's playing me...I wonder what if he only wants sex, and knows all the right things to say to make me believe otherwise...plus he's not Christian, so I don't even know if we'll work or not. I prayed for so long for someone like him, but I wonder all the time if this is real. I'm scared it's all a lie, because what seems too good to be true usually is. Honestly...if he were to hit me...or rape me...or cheat...or hurt me emotionally...I don't think I have the strength to walk away. I pretend to be strong, but I'm not at all. I'm naturally submissive, and I want a strong man like he seems to be to take care of me, but I only seems to attract guys that will hurt me and use me, if I even attract anyone at all.
Maybe he's good - the only flaw being our difference in religion - but maybe he's what I'm afraid of...maybe he's just one more abusive man I get to be hurt by...I've been raped, cheated on, emotionally abused, sexually assaulted and harassed, and rejected...and I've been the other woman...and I've been lead on...talked about (good and bad)...I've never been with anyone I could trust. One guy I was with in high school I suspect was even made up by a so-called friend (who people thought liked me). I've honestly thought of going gay. Seriously. After I was raped at 17, I started finding girls somewhat attractive, and the more I was hurt by guys, the more I thought to give up on them...but I'm the smart, joyful, shy, do-good-er, Christian girl...I can't like girls, and I can't have a non-Christian boyfriend. I can't be the girl that was raped, raw, for months. I can't be the girl that almost gave in and almost became a prostitute. I can't be the girl that was addicted to porn, and still til this day struggles with it and sometimes will watch it. I can't be the girl that wants to drink and FINALLY loosen up...no, I don't drink hardly at all, if ever. I'm the do-good-er that can't lie; that tries to not be such a perfectionist because although I feel pressured to be perfect, I'm too messed up to live up to my potential - which will never actually be perfect because true perfection is utterly unattainable. I can't be the girl that seriously needs counseling, no. I can't be the girl that secretly had an eating disorder for over a decade! And even when it was "under control," mentally it was tearing me apart. I'm the do-good-er Christian girl...and I'm so messed up - much more than I'm allowed to show. I feel like I've been caught, imprisoned, and forced down by everyone's expectations (which I know realistically may not even be there). I'm smart and analytical, so I know that most of the pressure I feel is self-inflicted, but I can't get away from it...I'm stuck.
If I'm hurt again, I think it would be just like it always have been - the guy hurts me in private, and I walk around behind the mask of the smart, joyful, shy, do-good-er Christian girl that loves everything and doesn't have any real problems.
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