what to make my life about

Since I don't have a common arc of life that I see out there, of 'significant other' relationships and happy families full of children and growing a career where

benchmarks and achievements give a sense of satisfaction about what I am making my life about and all the efforts and concentration we put into them. I have thought

about the achievements of when I am alone. Of learning to manage my energies and growing to a point of being consoled by learning to live life alone but well, with some success on my own negotiating the energies that come and go.

But I am not alone. I have friends here and a few friends in person. I just saw my family and all I could think about was my flaws when with them. They are perfectly wonderful and so supportive but for some reason this 'bad or runt puppy' has a neurosis that makes him

question and feel at fault for not being whatever I might hope I would be. I know that in some part of me, I wonder if I could just be good enough the things I hope for

in life, will come to me..."I am trying to be good I sometimes think, good things should come my way I think...please god?"

But I realized today while in the grocery store with my Dad, that when I find myself in touch with my hopes and aspirations

I feel like a child - yearning and wanting - begging- and yet in order to make those hopes and dreams come true I can't just hope and "wait" for them to happen. I have to build it. Step by step. No one just steps into the looking glass - they build their lives - they build their work....step by step. 

I have mentioned my interest in this before - but if I think in terms of the life of a monastic...making my life about the commonality of God in all our lives life - that commonality - and then making my life

about managing my energies as I do here alone and making my life about the benchmarks of the religious life. The feast days, the significant days. It would be 'my walk' in life for those benchmarks and meanings. It's just a thought.

But I think again, if I want to make my life about something...if I want to achieve something...I have to make it, step by step. About what yet I don't know...I do know I have my social challenges which you all don't experience here on the other side of the screen. I feel I rub people the wrong way in person - and I truly wish I didn't... It is like there's an emotional barrier and a stigma to me that I just try and relax about and accept. And so I do get on best I can.

I just gravitate towards being alone. So now that I know I do all this, where do I want to point myself, in my pursuit of survival and what do I want to make my life about?