What to do on Weekends?
Today was another lazy Sunday. I should have gone for a walk, but I was feeling dizzy and not well for most of the day. I managed to eat 3 meals at least, even though they made me feel sick. I think I'm getting depressed... I just want to stay in bed all the time and not go out. I'm going to work tomorrow whether I want to or not, though. It might just be my weekend funk. I was thinking about the hospital today and how I wanted to go back in. It's not a nice place to be, but sometimes I romanticize it and think it's a wonderful place to be. That was my cue to make me think that I'm depressed. I just wish I could go on weekends so I have something to do on weekends. I've been slacking off on exercise because I'm working, but at the same time I need to work or else I get super depressed and can't exercise in the first place. It's a catch-22. I need to figure out something I can do on weekends where I can still get out of bed on time and have something to do, but still have time to exercise. I think I need to be more diligent about getting out of bed earlier.
That's easier said than done, though... Once I'm in bed I don't want to get out. It's warm and comfy, and I love being in bed. If it was up to me I'd just stay in bed all the time. That's what I have been doing lately, actually, on the weekends. Just staying in bed and getting out to go for my walks, cook dinner, watch TV with Geo while we eat and then it's back to bed. I don't sleep the whole time I'm in bed, I check my email, I go on DS and Spark People, try and get my support groups in, but I do it all in bed. There are many weekend days where I don't get dressed, don't leave the house, don't do my hair or anything. Today was one of those days. When I'm done with this, though, I'm going to take my bath and get ready for bed. I also talk on my phone a lot in bed... I have my friend Andrea who I call every night, and my family who I call on a regular basis.
I think it'd be different if I was bedridden. Then I would hate to be in bed and long for the time when I could get out of bed. But that's not my problem, it's the opposite. I'm fully capable of being out of bed, I just don't want to. But I have to be careful, because being in bed leads to me thinking too much, and that leads to me getting depressed. Face it, I've gone though enough crap in my life that give me enough time and I will start thinking about something depressing. I may not think about it in the front of my head, but it's there in my subconscious. I don't know what goes on back there, all I know is that it's not pretty most of the time. I'm happy that I don't know what's going on in there. I think I'm better off not knowing the darkness of my mind.
Then again, isn't that why I go to therapy? To figure out what's going on in my head and deal with it? I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm feeling at any given time, not to mention what's going on in the background. I guess I need to know what's going on in the back to know what's causing it in the front. I just don't know how to bring the thoughts from the back to the front. I don't know if that's what I want to do. I don't know if I'm able to handle them. I know I'm stronger than I think, but I know the thoughts back there are really powerful. I've been working with my therapist to give them less power, but there's only so much one can do. There's going to come a time that if I want to, I'm going to have to confront them, and it's not going to be pretty. I can keep stuffing away for a while, but it's going to come back out eventually. I just have to be prepared for that time and keep working in therapy to get ready for it.
Food today was okay... I ate about 1,350 calories today. Lower than my goal, but I wasn't feeling well today so I will give it another try tomorrow. I'm going to try taking a peanut butter sandwich to work with me for extra protein. I normally take ramen with me, but I'm going to try a sandwich just so I can have something different. Stress I didn't feel today... I had the leg-shaking thing, but really only when I thought about it. Sleep was crap, though. I kept waking up in the middle of the night and in the early morning and couldn't fall back asleep. Finally, I took some klonopin and trazadone and managed to knock myself out until noon. No worrying about oversleeping today. Mood has been okay... I don't want to say bad yet, but it's not good for sure. Hopefully volunteering tomorrow will brighten my day!
That's easier said than done, though... Once I'm in bed I don't want to get out. It's warm and comfy, and I love being in bed. If it was up to me I'd just stay in bed all the time. That's what I have been doing lately, actually, on the weekends. Just staying in bed and getting out to go for my walks, cook dinner, watch TV with Geo while we eat and then it's back to bed. I don't sleep the whole time I'm in bed, I check my email, I go on DS and Spark People, try and get my support groups in, but I do it all in bed. There are many weekend days where I don't get dressed, don't leave the house, don't do my hair or anything. Today was one of those days. When I'm done with this, though, I'm going to take my bath and get ready for bed. I also talk on my phone a lot in bed... I have my friend Andrea who I call every night, and my family who I call on a regular basis.
I think it'd be different if I was bedridden. Then I would hate to be in bed and long for the time when I could get out of bed. But that's not my problem, it's the opposite. I'm fully capable of being out of bed, I just don't want to. But I have to be careful, because being in bed leads to me thinking too much, and that leads to me getting depressed. Face it, I've gone though enough crap in my life that give me enough time and I will start thinking about something depressing. I may not think about it in the front of my head, but it's there in my subconscious. I don't know what goes on back there, all I know is that it's not pretty most of the time. I'm happy that I don't know what's going on in there. I think I'm better off not knowing the darkness of my mind.
Then again, isn't that why I go to therapy? To figure out what's going on in my head and deal with it? I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm feeling at any given time, not to mention what's going on in the background. I guess I need to know what's going on in the back to know what's causing it in the front. I just don't know how to bring the thoughts from the back to the front. I don't know if that's what I want to do. I don't know if I'm able to handle them. I know I'm stronger than I think, but I know the thoughts back there are really powerful. I've been working with my therapist to give them less power, but there's only so much one can do. There's going to come a time that if I want to, I'm going to have to confront them, and it's not going to be pretty. I can keep stuffing away for a while, but it's going to come back out eventually. I just have to be prepared for that time and keep working in therapy to get ready for it.
Food today was okay... I ate about 1,350 calories today. Lower than my goal, but I wasn't feeling well today so I will give it another try tomorrow. I'm going to try taking a peanut butter sandwich to work with me for extra protein. I normally take ramen with me, but I'm going to try a sandwich just so I can have something different. Stress I didn't feel today... I had the leg-shaking thing, but really only when I thought about it. Sleep was crap, though. I kept waking up in the middle of the night and in the early morning and couldn't fall back asleep. Finally, I took some klonopin and trazadone and managed to knock myself out until noon. No worrying about oversleeping today. Mood has been okay... I don't want to say bad yet, but it's not good for sure. Hopefully volunteering tomorrow will brighten my day!
Replies
larissa, many thoughts in there., good insight, just need to follow the strength you know you have to do them. example being not able yet to think and therapy about your past. i dont know what happened, but it is eating you up and likely causing at least some of your depression. you are right, it will suck big time when you allow those feelings to come forth and adress them. it took me a long time and it came in spurts about the many things in my past and curent life. but i am so much stronger when i did, and the doctor has said numerous times, esp. when i feel bad about what happened with family etc,,,. he tells me remember back how it would disable me, and always says i am the healthiest one in the family! i can now stand up for me and confront those who upset me, it was a long road and still fighting it, but so much better. i obviosly cant tell you to do, but i hope you can do it at some point, i will be here to support you. maybe set a time that you have to get out of bed by on the weekends, get up and just start moving. no fun, but vacuum anything to get motivated. get outside, exercise helps so much as you know. the bad sleep you get may be caused by the staying in bed all day on the weekends, no offence meant, so your body just isnt tired. you talk about the bedridden, when that time cmes, think of those poor people thank god you are capable of movement, maybe that would help you get out. i also hate weekends, particulary sunday, but i work sat. and i had to work yesterday, yet still i felt lost and fumbling sunday afternoon, so i get it, i do. many hugsss
I can relate if i could just stay in bed i sure would. I look forward to the weekends because its the only time i can stay in bed. Its like a safe place for me so i dont have to think or feel nothing. I get to the point i hate getting out of bed to face the day... i think youre right it does go with depression because the more i feel the depression the harder it is to get out of bed. I stuff feelings memories and emotions alot ... i dont know how to deal with them in a healthy way so i stuff them deep inside till they over folllowing and then i cant handle it. I hope your monday goes good at work. Huggzz