What the fuck man
This morning my friend asked me to call up a job for him and lie and say I was someone else. I told him I couldn't. I feel really uncomfortable lying- that's the truth. Now mind you- this friend has always helped me a lot- so as much as I can I go out of my way to help him too. I just hate lying- and I'm really really bad at it. One little thing goes wrong and I tense right up. I'm not able to just go with it- not at all.
Anyway- I feel horrible! I repeatedly said I was sorry until he told me to shut up- in a nice way- like "aaarrriiiighhhttt!". Not frustrated but kind. He seem to respect that I just couldn't do it.
So I called twice to make sure everything turned out okay and no one answered. I'm paranoid right now. I'm honestly thinking he's staring at the phone and saying "fuck that bitch, who does she think she is she 'can't do it bc she doesn't feel comfortable' after all I do for her. Fuck that- she doesn't care about me at all."
I'm really entertaining all these crazy thoughts. Now mind you, this dude is an alcoholic and when I hear him talking to his kid it reminds me of how my father used to talk to me. But unlike my father he has also showed me tremendous compassion, at times gone out of his way for me- and overall loved me as a person.
He isn't my dad. But the fears I'm imagining- they are bc of my father. I have this incredible fear that I will meet him time and time again. I can't seem to shake it. Its completely unfounded- well not completely- but almost. This dude is also a womanizer who views things in the same manner as my father. The difference is that he actually likes people and he feels emotion, unlike my father who loathes them and I feel might be incapable of actual love.
How the hell do I stop this fear? It debilitates me at times. And the farther I seem to get away from my father the worse the fear gets. My theory is that I need that presence in my life and since he's not there as much I'm creating it in other people. How superfucked is that?
I just have no fucking clue how to change it. Maybe by asking the question the answer will come to me.
Anyway- I feel horrible! I repeatedly said I was sorry until he told me to shut up- in a nice way- like "aaarrriiiighhhttt!". Not frustrated but kind. He seem to respect that I just couldn't do it.
So I called twice to make sure everything turned out okay and no one answered. I'm paranoid right now. I'm honestly thinking he's staring at the phone and saying "fuck that bitch, who does she think she is she 'can't do it bc she doesn't feel comfortable' after all I do for her. Fuck that- she doesn't care about me at all."
I'm really entertaining all these crazy thoughts. Now mind you, this dude is an alcoholic and when I hear him talking to his kid it reminds me of how my father used to talk to me. But unlike my father he has also showed me tremendous compassion, at times gone out of his way for me- and overall loved me as a person.
He isn't my dad. But the fears I'm imagining- they are bc of my father. I have this incredible fear that I will meet him time and time again. I can't seem to shake it. Its completely unfounded- well not completely- but almost. This dude is also a womanizer who views things in the same manner as my father. The difference is that he actually likes people and he feels emotion, unlike my father who loathes them and I feel might be incapable of actual love.
How the hell do I stop this fear? It debilitates me at times. And the farther I seem to get away from my father the worse the fear gets. My theory is that I need that presence in my life and since he's not there as much I'm creating it in other people. How superfucked is that?
I just have no fucking clue how to change it. Maybe by asking the question the answer will come to me.
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