WHAT\'S THE POINT????
Sat. night, July 12th.: Each day I get up wondering what the point is. Most days, there is none. No motivation. At all. Oh, there is work to be done at any given time. But do I care about my dust rabbits? Not so much. One day I did get excited about spray painting my old metal lawn chairs. How pathetic is that?!?!? The light fixtures really need cleaning...too much trouble...that requires a ladder and effort. I do enjoy getting in the pool but I am finding that requires more effort than I am willing to exert these days. It is an above ground so I have to take the cover off, put the ladder in, etc. I think I could just sleep forever. Some people say, "You are just wasting your life." I have two things to say to that. "And your point is????" & "I don't remember asking you for your opinion." I do love it when I can be around Chris and Adam. But, of course, they are young and full of life and have their own things going on. That is as it should be. My husband....well...we don't really see eye to eye these days. Yesterday he started switching up the plans on the vacation thing again. I told him to just let me know when he has it all figured out. He assured me he would let me know today. So, I go run some errands just because I can't sit still another moment or I will go back to bed. When I got home he and a friend were sitting in the back yard totally tanked. I don't EVEN mean a little bit. Now I drink, too. I, however, don't do it to the point that all I can do is struggle to walk. He doesn't really do this either. So, I can forgive that. Maybe he just needed to get completely sloshed. But, once again, I am sitting around waiting to find out what, if any, plans for vacation I have. I am just about ready to make my own and that will probably be laying in my bed for the next 2 weeks he is home. Of course he would have many things to say to me about that. He doesn't get it in the 1st place. For me, well, I just fail to see the point of getting up just for the sake of getting up. At least while I am asleep I might dream of Scott. If I don't then I at least have a break from missing him so much. Pity party going on here.....anyone care to join me?
Replies
Honey, I do understand your pain. I\'m hugging you tight because I don\'t have any words of wisdom that could help. I love you bunches, Barbara
I know where your coming from. I felt like I was reading about myself. But my Son would push me. I can hear him say \"Mom, lets get things done.\" So I have been trying. At least once a week, I make the effort to get one thing done. If I push myself any further, I end up upset. I want him to be proud of me. At least for putting out the effort anyway. I am doing it for him.
Are you taking any antidepressants? sounds like hubby is depressed, too, if he\'s drinking more than he usually does. I understand the lack of motivation thing, and wanting to shoot people point-blank that don\'t understand it\'s not just a matter of \"making yourself\" -- let\'s print large pics of those people (like my new therapist) and make dart boards out of them, with balloons on, ok???? Red, 100pts, yellow, 75 pts, and blue, 50 pts.
This journey sure is hard. I\'m with you. Charlotte xo
Yes, I\'ll join, but only if you let me call them dust bunnies, and not rabbits...(Smile) Honey, I wake up feeling punk every morning - as if I have no secure place in the world anymore. I fight it - so hard I wonder if it\'s making a difference at all. The days I do choose sleep, I wake up feeling worse than I did before I laid down. It\'s a constant hit or miss every day, and the emptiness of Shauns death still hits me like a ton of bricks every morning.
All we can do is go with the flow of those around us, and hope for a better tomorrow. My spunk, is gone, and I don\'t feel like looking for it. Take care, and have a good day, love & hugs,
Ginger...this hurts my heart to read this journal entry. I would love to see you involved in life again. I would love to hear that YOU are the one making the vacation plans or that you had something you felt compeled to do each day. For me, at first, I had to force myself to do something...when I did, I felt better. I am curious about whether you are talking to a therapist (I am sure you have said, but I have trouble keeping it straight which mom is or isn\'t...so please forgive me) OR are have you talked about some antidepressants. My hubby just went on them about 3 weeks ago and his results have been great. Please find one thing that you used to like to do today and do it...love and hugs...Karen
Ginger, thoughts and prayers are with you today!!.. hope you find some peace and sanity!!.. xoxo
Nope sorry I don\'t want to join a pity party but I would like to invite you to my party to try and start living again.Like my wise son told me \" baby steps mom\" and that is what I am telling you .You are in charge of your life and if you use those baby steps to change something very little every day or so into a positive then before you know it that will be the new you.
Having said all that I also understand feeing down and I know there are times where we don\'t feel like we can or want to go on and I also feel you may need help with depression . You have all the classical symptoms and sometimes we need a bit more help. Let me know if there is anything that I can do. Hugs, Inga
I know how you feel I think what keeps me going is I have Rebecca here all the time so I don\'t focus on Justin all the time I still think of him everyday and miss him more and more everyday.I really don\'t know what to say life sucks but I just take one day at a time.My life isn\'t the same I\'ve been fighting with this new life since Justin\'s been gone but I think I\'ve finally gave in and accepted my new life without a child.Hope your 2 weeks of vacation go good I don\'t think I could handle Mike being off for 2 weeks.He drives me crazy sometimes he never sits down he\'s always doing something outside which makes me look lazy.Stay in touch call me if you need to talk I\'m a good listener.Peace to you.Love,jfm24,Vicki
Ginger, I really feel how much pain you are in and it sounds to me like you are really depressed. Are you taking any medication.? It is not wrong to need a crutch at a time like this. I guess I feel you are lucky to sleep like that, --I am at the other end of the spectrum and tend to be up at 2:30-3:30 a.m. (and stay up) Yes, I do nap in the afternoon--but I just can\'t sleep at night. I try to think about what Jamie would want me to do and most of all, I would want him to be proud of me--so I try not to be too indulgent. Like today, Sunday, I would always hear from him and I teared up at lunch (goes good with chili dogs) smile!--But, I got up, got busy, took laundry off the line. We are grilling tonight so Hubby helped me cut up mushrooms, onions, potatoes for the grill. I make small plans,--never too big. I hope you feel better, I am very worried about you. Love, Judy
I so understand...Hubby and I don\'t seem to be on the same page either. I don\'t have the energy to argue anymore, so I just walk away. It\'s less stressful. Seem to just exist...but sometimes I get some moments were I have a good time or a something to laugh at. Wishing for more of those for both of us. Love and Hugs.
Wow...I am a bit late in reading journals and wanted to add some support here for you, but there\'s a few people who already said what I would say! You\'ve got some great, loving advice and support from these wonderful ladies already. I\'ll just offer you a big mental hug and send some positive energy your way. Love you, dear. Adrianne