What is wrong with me?

I dont know why I feel the way I do. My H consumes my mind. Why do I even want him? Why does he seem so special to me after what he's done? I should hate him with passion. But instead I love him with this passion that I can not explain. I think of him constantly as if its a new realationship. I want to touch him, kiss him, be intamite with him in any way I can. When I am holding him all I can think of is how much I love and adore him. This thinking consumes so much of my thoughts and the rest of the time I am hurting because of what he did and worring if he is still going to leave me for the OW. What is wrong with this picture. Why am I chacing him around like a love struck crazy person? It makes no sence...Thought I was stronger than this. It really makes me look pathedic because I know he dont feel the same way I do. When I am at work ny anxiety keeps rising until I talk to him. Then it is like I have my drug and I feel better. I get the feeling from him that this might be alittle to much for him. Is this me just proving to myself that I can be sexual and giving in a relationship...because of his A it made me dought myself. Or is it a subcontious goal to have him (win him) instead of her having him? Which I have no control over anyways.. Maybe I feel responcible for the affair (which I know I am not) so I am trying to do everything different compared to before so he won't choose someone else again.
I think I will attempt to back off some (if possible). I feel like I might push him away. I really do feel like I am loosing my mind:( I just wish I could go back in time to before the deception happened. But that can't happen.