What is wrong with me???

I thought everything was ok. I thought I didnt need this site anymore but i wa wrong. i have been getting the erge to cut again. i think about it so much i cry sometimes. i dont want anymore scars. but i cant help it. i havent dont it yet but i know it wont be long before  i start cutting myself again. Im just so sad these days I walk around smiling but its all fake. I dont know what wrong with me i'm engaged to a great guy i was doing good in school so life should be ok. but then i thnk about all the other stuff ive ben through. Ive been raped beat and hurt in so many was and for some reason im just waiting for it to happen again. or maybe not i dont know. i feel so lonely alot but my fiance is always around and i dont want to tell him how i be feelin because i dont want him to feel that i feel this way bcause of hikm cause i dont. at least i dont think so.basically im tired of living im just a fucking failure and i'm just tired. i need help but dont have one clue where to get it or who i can go to for help. w2hat to do maybe i should just kill yslf. cause i hink im already dead inside. im ti\red of puttion on a  painted smile its not me