What is wrong with me????

Why do I let him get to me? I'm so frustrated with myself. He can be so mean/thoughtless/etc and if I call him on it, he try to turn everything around and make me the bad guy. I get that it's manipulation and something that most addicts do brilliantly, but what the hell is wrong with me since I know he's trying to manipulate me and he still manages to hurt my feelings? I mean, it's ridiculous. I feel like such an idiot, such a fool. I mean, I guess he still interwoven too deeply in my heart for the things that he says not to matter, but I wish they didn't matter so much. One second he can be telling me that I'm the one with so many problems, that I'm crazy, etc, etc just because I called him on the fact that he does have a problem which he'll acknowledge sporatically. Sorry, this sounds stupid. I guess regardless of the drugs, the fact that he's bound to be manipulative with the lifestyle that he's chosen, etc it still hurts that he can say those things. One moment he's telling me that I'm perfect, and the next I'm a mean, crazy bitch with all sorts of problems of my own. I mean, my life, except for him, is pretty well put together. I'm still dealing with coaxing him out of my life, so I know that's a problem, but other than that I think I'm in pretty good shape. I never recognized or appreciated how calm my life used to be and how stable the guys that I dated were. I didn't appreciate how nice they were either. He started out nice. Every once in a while now he's really nice and it's like this glimmer, this tease that maybe the old him is coming back. And then, just as I start to relax, it's like a slap in the face and he's being mean, or cruel or inconsiderate.  I guess I'm just disapointed in my self that he still has any pull over me once so ever. I'm trying so hard to detach myself from him emotionally and I feel like I'm making progress, but it's so frustrating that he can upset me so easily. I mean, what's wrong with me? I know that he's manipulating me; I know that he's just trying to turn the situation to make me forget that he has a problem or feel like I'm the one at fault; I get all of that--and yet, it still hurts... He picked up his keys today. Hopefully he'll get his new bed and be gone tomorrow. I just can't handle this anymore. I can't take it. I'm so tired of feeling hurt and upset and hopeless. I feel like he's sucking the life out of me, or at least the happiness and the drive for life--bcause he's apparently lost it.  And I guess it just pisses me off that we've discussed me breaking up with him and asking him to move out a million times, and he always ends up admitting that he understands what I'm doing and why---and then he'll bring it up again and start blaming me for all of it. I don't have a choice in what I've done, because he has refused to get clean, despite the billion promises that he's made over the course of our relationship to get clean.  But it's like he won't acknowledge that. It's like having an arguement with a child--one second he completely gets it, the next I'm this horrible, evil person. Anyway, sorry.... I guess I just needed to vent. I feel stupid for feeling disapointed and sad about all of this. I want to be angry; I want to hate him or at least not care anymore. Why can't I do that????? I just want to feel happy and care free again. I want to look forward to coming home and to feel safe in the home that I've always dreamed about and finally have. The rest of my life is going so well, and I'm tired of letting him bring me to this point of hopelessness despite how happy the rest of my life should make me. When I try to talk to him, he either yells about how mean I am or asks why I want to hurt him, why I want to tell him what a failure he is. I'm just trying to show him where his life is going. Anyway, I'm just going on and on now... I just want all of this to be over. I want to feel normal again. I miss normal life. The thing is I'm not scared of being wihtout him; honestly, the idea of being free from this is exciting and feels like a huge relief. He's just so good at manipulating me to where I feel like the bad guy, like I have to apologize, or I have to convince him that I really do love and care about him and that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's so hard to constantly try to get someone out of your house who doesn't want to leave--regardless of whether I'm nice or mean. This is just all such a huge mess...