What...in...the...heck...?
Dear DS diary,
I hope you're up for a long entry tonight.
I wish I actually had a mark for this label that specifically said, "confused". A lot of this is...leaving me very concerned.
So, I still was having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the nightmare that I had earlier this week -- the one where I embedded a video showcasing what amounted to the instant hell murder finisher in the Street Fighter games -- so I had to bring it up to my therapist today. I didn't quite give him all the details; I didn't mention how brutal what I dreamed would happen to me was. But I did say that I dreamed that my sister was going to hurt me for missing her concert (which I ended up having to do), and that this was the complete opposite of how she's been when she comes over to visit (the two of us haven't come close to hurting each other in what can be basically declared forever).
I also mentioned that I am feeling very haunted from my bad memories when I was a teenager, and how the time when I was rumored to be a hogtie target on the night my senior class in HS went on a destructive scavenger hunt creeps into my dreams somehow a lot.
He already knew that for a long period of time I basically let myself get steered because I had been so scared out of my wits by HS that I was incapable of making major decisions for years, which led to a lot of things that I have felt guilty about, wishing that I could have them back. He told me that there is a pattern going on with this that he is noticing: Because I have felt guilty -- legitimately or not -- so many times over so many things, with lots of frustration to match, that I have reached the point where that guilt and frustration is being constantly channeled into internal anger. This anger, in turn, is making itself known by helping to trigger dreams in my subconscious that, especially recently, have been violent in nature. We also figured out that I'm somehow appearing as a character in virtually all of these nightmares.
Put together, it's now making sense why I've been feeling so aggressive and why I've sometimes wanted to physically hurt other people. It also would at least partially explain why I've emotionally hurt people, and often, especially my parents who I've given up on because they didn't take my feelings seriously the times I've tried to let them out.
I'm going to try journaling for him -- the kind that would need to be outside of here -- but I still can't help but wonder...where in holy heck do I go from here? Because it also sounds like I need an outlet for the anger I feel, the haunted feelings I have, or both...and the former has been wasting no time perfecting its craft.
I know this because today I flat-out insulted an uncle who just last week retired from a job he had held as a shipper (he's in his seventies now). He liked to call himself the "big ship", sometimes "big ship(per)". In enquiring whether he needed anything for a Costco run my parents plan to do tomorrow, not knowing if he would be home, I instead sent him a text and referred to him as the big shipper, a name he had been fond of while he held this particular position.
Well, I was already feeling irritated because last night I could not fall asleep until midnight, still troubled by that nightmare (and this has now been going on, the sleep problems that is, for six weeks...anyone want to guess why my pdoc had to put me on sleep medication?). Irritated enough that I laid into him a few hours later, using an entirely different application of the words "big ship".
"Wait," I texted him. "what do you mean, we can't throw you into Lake Wilson [his summer cottage in Maine, which is right on the shore of the lake] and see if you float? Have you been gaining weight so that you'd sink if I did that?"
There was no response to that. I'm pretty sure I pissed him off but good. Worst thing about it is that I didn't feel apologetic about sending it, and I still don't.
Some of this crap I'm dealing with is starting to make sense now, but as this is happening, it seems to be bringing up a lot more questions that I don't have answers for. It's making me feel discouraged, actually.
I hope you're up for a long entry tonight.
I wish I actually had a mark for this label that specifically said, "confused". A lot of this is...leaving me very concerned.
So, I still was having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the nightmare that I had earlier this week -- the one where I embedded a video showcasing what amounted to the instant hell murder finisher in the Street Fighter games -- so I had to bring it up to my therapist today. I didn't quite give him all the details; I didn't mention how brutal what I dreamed would happen to me was. But I did say that I dreamed that my sister was going to hurt me for missing her concert (which I ended up having to do), and that this was the complete opposite of how she's been when she comes over to visit (the two of us haven't come close to hurting each other in what can be basically declared forever).
I also mentioned that I am feeling very haunted from my bad memories when I was a teenager, and how the time when I was rumored to be a hogtie target on the night my senior class in HS went on a destructive scavenger hunt creeps into my dreams somehow a lot.
He already knew that for a long period of time I basically let myself get steered because I had been so scared out of my wits by HS that I was incapable of making major decisions for years, which led to a lot of things that I have felt guilty about, wishing that I could have them back. He told me that there is a pattern going on with this that he is noticing: Because I have felt guilty -- legitimately or not -- so many times over so many things, with lots of frustration to match, that I have reached the point where that guilt and frustration is being constantly channeled into internal anger. This anger, in turn, is making itself known by helping to trigger dreams in my subconscious that, especially recently, have been violent in nature. We also figured out that I'm somehow appearing as a character in virtually all of these nightmares.
Put together, it's now making sense why I've been feeling so aggressive and why I've sometimes wanted to physically hurt other people. It also would at least partially explain why I've emotionally hurt people, and often, especially my parents who I've given up on because they didn't take my feelings seriously the times I've tried to let them out.
I'm going to try journaling for him -- the kind that would need to be outside of here -- but I still can't help but wonder...where in holy heck do I go from here? Because it also sounds like I need an outlet for the anger I feel, the haunted feelings I have, or both...and the former has been wasting no time perfecting its craft.
I know this because today I flat-out insulted an uncle who just last week retired from a job he had held as a shipper (he's in his seventies now). He liked to call himself the "big ship", sometimes "big ship(per)". In enquiring whether he needed anything for a Costco run my parents plan to do tomorrow, not knowing if he would be home, I instead sent him a text and referred to him as the big shipper, a name he had been fond of while he held this particular position.
Well, I was already feeling irritated because last night I could not fall asleep until midnight, still troubled by that nightmare (and this has now been going on, the sleep problems that is, for six weeks...anyone want to guess why my pdoc had to put me on sleep medication?). Irritated enough that I laid into him a few hours later, using an entirely different application of the words "big ship".
"Wait," I texted him. "what do you mean, we can't throw you into Lake Wilson [his summer cottage in Maine, which is right on the shore of the lake] and see if you float? Have you been gaining weight so that you'd sink if I did that?"
There was no response to that. I'm pretty sure I pissed him off but good. Worst thing about it is that I didn't feel apologetic about sending it, and I still don't.
Some of this crap I'm dealing with is starting to make sense now, but as this is happening, it seems to be bringing up a lot more questions that I don't have answers for. It's making me feel discouraged, actually.
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