What I wrote to Joanna this morning


I can't stop thinking about yesterday. Just now while I was in the shower I did some thinking of what you said yesterday in regards to how I am in control and I can eat more and gain weight if I want to. It is my doing and is all up to me to change, otherwise I am not trying. You said that in the past, it was not in my control but now I am purposely not trying and in fact am trying to lose weight. But...in a way that is how it is for everyone I feel. Everyone with an eating disorder is doing it to themselves, no one else is forcing us to have an eating disorder. In High School when this all started (and I did not even realize what was going on to a point) I was still doing it to myself. What I strongly believe that happens it hat i start with one simple thing...some big change in life occurs and the only way i know to deal with it is to restrict my food. Or i just am uncomfortable and want to lose some pounds. Both sophomre year in college and after i graduate i restricted my caloric intake to lose weight because i was so huge. I have tried exercising and eating healthily, but I never was able to lose weight that way. The only thing that worked was starving. That's what worked in the past, so that's what I continued to do. Yes, big events typically conincide with the times that I try to lose weight and decrease my caloric intake. Then once i start losing weight i just keep going and don't want to stop. I then become terrified of taing anything because i have gained large amounts in the past. After I lose a lot, i then gain a lot. I don't want that to happen, i am terrified.

I don't know if i can do this. I had a good dinner and dessert last night, as well as a good breakfast (all follwing jill's plan). It was all okay until about an hour ago- then I started doubting whether i could continue doing this and now I am spazing out. I do not feel as though i can do this. If i get to 100 then i feel as though I am going to just keep gaining. My anxiety is so high and i am shaking. I am too scfared. but then if i dont do it i am fucked. thiking about leaving you and jill is too frightening and i dont want to. i am not going anywhere else. and i sure as hell am not going to my paren'ts to be kidnapped and traped there. my throat is in knows. I also just looked up that damn DBT hgroiup that you were talking about and it looks like crap. It's twice a week (one DBT groiup and one individual therapy session). They also dont take my insurance. It sauys there is tyupically a 1 month to 1 year wait list and once someone is going to leave, there is a 3-6 week PRE-DBT therapy where they get background information. That sounds like crap. NO.

Sorry. I'm not very positive at the moment.