What I wrote on Jan. 16th

I feel like something is coming.  It's coming, and it's not very happy.  It's like a dark cloud is hovering above me.  It's always there.  Never going.  It always lingers.  Sometimes it fades to the back of my mind,  but it never  goes away.  I'm haunted by this.  I'm not sure I can handle life anymore.  It's like I never forget, even for a moment, how fucked I am.  So alone, I'm lost.  I'm sinking.  Falling Deeper into this dark hole of hell.  Nothing makes it better.  If only I still had the drugs I might be okay.  But I gave that up.  I gave up what may be my only way to salvation.  I feel like I might just fall off, that life just might end suddenly for me.  Maybe it's over already.  What if this is just a dream?  I could already be gone and just not see it.  Everything could be over. I could be over.
What if I've missed my purpose?  I could be failing.  I could be completely going.  I might never come back.  I can feel it.  Its in the ground I walk on, in the wind that blows around me.  Something is coming, and it wants me.  It wants me for it's own, willing to risk anything and everything.  Should I surender? or struggle to put up a fight?  I feel it sucking the life out of me.  I feel like a shell.  I don't know how much more I can go on like this.  The could dead earth becons me.  It conspireds to keep me for itself.  What if the darkness radiates from my heart?  I feel the cold spread out from my core.  Like I have it within me.  Evil finding a new home.  This dark cloud draws from me its energy.  It's stealing my will to survive.  I'm becoming a shell.  I've lost touch.