What I wrote last night...

I can feel myself going down. I could feel it slowly happening over the day. Went to the racecourse at 6am to watch the Varsity race at their States (my novices' had theirs last weekend). It was gloomy, dreary, cold, and rainy all day. That for starters did not help my mood. The Varsity did pretty shitty- but that didn't affect me. Actually, it made me feel better. That meant that MY BOAT out of ALL THE LANGLEY boats did the BESTat States!!! GO NOVICE MEN!!!Right before I left the Occoquan with my friend Blair (I hung out with her all last night and all today to help keep me stable) Mike came up and said that he's not going to the CRC gala tonight. Okay- story on that one. CRC is Capital Rowing Club...the club I cox for. Every year they have a Gala to fundraise for the club. I didn't go last year and didn't want to go this year because it costs at least $30/person. Obviously I don't have the money. The men's head coach at Langley (the high school I coach at) wants to cox at CRC this year and decided to go to the Gala to meet people. He begged Carlos and I to go with him. After enough begging I said, "Okay, if my dad will pay for us to go, we will go just for you." Dad paid and got us tickets. Two nights ago Mike's date for the Gala (the men's assistant coach at Langley) changed her mind and said she wasn't going to go with him. Okay...he was still going. TODAY at 3pm he tells me he is not going anymore. THE GALA IS AT 7PM TONIGHT! FUCK YOU MIKE.I was PISSED. That just tipped my downhill spiral off even more. I fucking ran to the woods and cried. I still do NOT want to go. I never did in the beginning. But now I HAVE to because my father paid. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I told Carlos already that he will have to drag me out of the house to go. Clearly I don't plan on moving unless he moves me...it's 6pm now and I need to shower, dress up, makeup, drive 40 min there....hah so way am making it at 7pm...if I go that is.God damnit...all I want to do is go snuggle in my comforter with my ferrets, watch Gilmore Girls and drink a bottle of wine. Actually- drinking is the only thing that might get me to go tonight. Open top shelf bar :)I know I'm going down a steep slope here...last night I cancelled going to my team's dinner, tomorrow I cancelled coxing for my club and tomorrow afternoon I cancelled hanging out with a friend. I just don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I want to just sleep on my couch- and that's probably what I will do all day tomorrow