What I'm Saying

I started this journal on what my father says a few weeks back.  Best thing I ever did.  along with helpful comments from caring people, it allowed me to see what was really going on and how I felt about it.  I also realized that I was trying to rescue a drowning man who didn't want rescuing.  Instead, as SongsoftheNight says, he wants to play the poor pitiful me card.  Funny, about that--I didn't draw that conclusion until a few days ago and wondered if I was off base about it.  Sandi set me straight with her comment--it's not my imagination.  He's calling people and telling them what a horrible daughter I am and I took it personally, but what he's really saying is poor pitiful me.  I'm all alone because my daughter has left me.  Wow!
Anyhow, I've got the blinders off and it's mostly because of the comments I've received here.  Sometimes I wasn't ready to receive it, but it sunk in and I'm healing.  I'm feeling good.
Thanks Diane, for pointing out about the why I'm still in his life.  I had the answer all  thought out in my mind--my noble daughter bit, the long suffering Victorian woman bit--so tragic to have a dad like mine.  But as I pondered your question and my answer,  I had to ask myself had it made a difference in his life?  And that is the question because if I'm going to give my life to save my dad, then by God he better be saved.  But my dad has been putting on an act for years.  He's got it perfect. Meryl Streep, hand over the Oscar.  Sombody's better has come along.  Strange thing is my husband saw this in my dad ages ago.  Told me so, and I told him he had it all wrong.  My poor mom didn't even see it and she was a smart woman.  Maybe if she had a place like this, she could have been set free too.
 
Freedom, it's different things to different folks.  For me it means making sure my father has food, a warm place to stay, someone to talk to now and then. And a little time for myself.   In the past that meant me getting in my car, driving to his house, buying the food, cooking it sometimes, paying his bills if he spent all  his money, and spending two hours a day talking to  him.  Then once a month I'd go out with friends.
 
Now, it's using an online grocery shopping service, ordering takeout, watching his bank account so he can pay his own damn bills.  And talking---now it's calling every night and talking for 5 minutes, but sometimes one hour.  And it means using my phone system so that his calls go to voice mail, where I have recorded a special message for him, telling him to leave a message only if it's an emergency and telling him that I will call the next day and that I love him.  It's short and sweet and it gets the point across.  It tells him that he is safe and loved, but it's up to him what he does with that information.  Now, I'm free to enjoy life.
You reap what you sow.  But I had changed this to you reap what your father sows.  That's not right.  He's depressed, lonely, angry.  He's earned the right for people not to like him.  Because he's spent a day alone and is angry about it, doesn't give him the right to argue with me.  Because he hasn't friends doesn't give him the right to take it out on me.  It is what he's sown in his life.  
In the past, I thought I could just walk away.  Leave him.  Forget him.  It was not in the cards.  I don't have it in me and found no peace in past attempts.  Now, with this new method I have finally found peace.  I am reaping what I have sown.
 
Thanks all for your comments.