what helps me

for some reason, when I saw my brother the other day, it brought up

complicated feelings that I couldn't process so well. I love him but strangely

when I saw him, he seemed different. It was confusing. Also the friends he had

staying at his house just were kind of weird to me. One openly asked if I was staying long

and I said no and she say "You're not?!" in a thrilled kind of voice.

The whole thing just left me feeling paranoid and fearful. My mind spinned crazily for

the next part of the day and into the morning.

I found my sense of pride in my life changing and then opening my mind to the just complicated

existence we all deal with...

I have found myself sleeping very deeply the past two days. I fell asleep on the couch 

for a good hour and 45 yesterday after work - and last night I slept like a log until

around 630am this morning (a late get up time for me.)

Maybe I need it, I listened to the comment made by Jan about sometimes she leaves

the chores aside for a little while to be good to herself - And so I allowed myself

to sleep in like I did. 

Maybe I've needed the sleep.

I got up and wet my hair, brushed my teeth, and went to Starbucks.

It was nice to see people there.

I came home and still felt like cement - so I knew I had to get my mind in order.

I can 'walk' better with the idea that I am making a better life dealing with mental health

challenges. For some reason, the honesty and pride that I can take make me feel

like I am walking a good path, a productive path and helps me look past

the feeling of dejection about my complicated life, and my flawed vision of things.

I think this brings me to the idea of being grateful for everything - to look past

the issues and just be grateful for what's good and fortunate.

Anyways, I'll get back to my coffee and make a plan for the day. We may not be able

to live in linearity (thank god not) but though we may try to at times - it's important

and helpful to learn to shift gears, shift perspective and deal with the way life is.

Work with it. Thankful for the online village we have here.

Sending peace and good vibes out there. 

Mark