what have i done lately?

Well, as I wrote earlier, I spoke with Sarah earlier.  it was not a good conversation.  as I sit here at work, I thought a lot about what Sarah has said.  She told me that I am still the same me.  I haven't changed a bit.  As I think more about it, I really have to disagree. I know she doesn't see it right now, but I feel I have to elaborate via my journal, sort of a self admitting issue, if you will.  I have changed a lot in the past few weeks.  First of all, I am always cleaning up.  I never used to clean.  I admit I was wrong about that.  After a few weeks of thinking about it, I spent a lot of time, money, and effort on things besides my family.  I do not own the Subaru anymore ( a vehicle that I have wasted so much time, money, and effort into). All the guns i purchased, i did very spontaneously am really without my wife's consent or approval.  We really didn't have the money for them, but i bought them anyways.  I have sold all of them except a few, that i cannot get what i want out of them.  I used the money for things for my wife and  sons.  the medication i am on really helps me sleep, which makes me not so angry.  That is a big thing for me.  I actually am able to stop and think before I act now.  I will not lie, that is one thing that I had a huge problem with before.  I know I had not been there for my family, but now have told Sarah I am here from now on.  I have not had the opportunity to do it yet, but should she ever call me, I will drop whatever I am doing to be there for her or the boys.  That is a guarantee.  I really respect my wife.  She does not think so, but I do and have told her I do. I am talking my problems through with two counselors.  In four short weeks, we have determined a lot of what my issues are, something that four years I have not been able to do myself (thank you dr Tom).  I am constantly searching for good job that is a day position, so I can provide to my family and be there for them from now on.  I also am searching for an extremely stable job where money is coming in to provide.  I am now and a forever here for them.  She doesn't know and trust that yet.  I truly and honestly do not believe this marriage is unrepairable.  I am doing what I am doing.  Not trying.  I am only "trying" to show her.  She needs to look and see for herself.  I am now living down the path god has placed before me.  I pray everyday and am living the life that god wants me to live.  I only hope Sarah starts to believe as I do.  I know that she is hurt, afraid, and upset.  I just hope she realizes that I am too, and that the truth to marriage is not divorce.  I am doing this for me.  With that being said, she is a part of me.  She is the one I chose to ask to marry me because I wanted her to be my spouse until the day I die.  I still want that, but only if she does.  I will always be here to support her and our boys, even if she moves on.  I will always believe she is the one god has placed on this earth for me.  She has been everything for me and to me.  I pray that this is truly not the end for us.  may god hear my cry for help.