What has happened to myself

The only way to heal from a bad situation is to leave the person alone. TO STOP the cycle and with hope each da may get slightly easier. Each day may provide some hope that tomorrow will be better. Yet how do you expect this to occur if you wont FULLY let go. I have walked away. I don't spend time with him or have conversations with him but I haven't LET GO. I still look at his dating site to see how active he is on it. I even did a reverse search of women who or in my area on that site to have an idea on the types of women he may be seeing. I look at each woman's photo and wonder "is this a girl he has  messaged?" is this someone he has taken on a date? I have driven myself crazy over this. I hate him for wanting to try with someone else and he wouldn't try with me. He turned so cold and cruel with me. This week has felt like torture since finding out he is actively seeing people. I want him to suffer and feel pain I want something so bad to happen to his life. for him to loose his job or his house. I want him to feel s much emotional pain that he cant take it. That is what he has done to me. I have no started a sleeping medication to stop the lack of sleep and the constant crying I seem to do at night. After work yesterday I got in my car and screamed uncontrollably loudly until I truly felt I couldn't scream any louder. All that pain rushed out of me at once. I cried so much my eyelids even looked red. The last time i cried this loud was 4 years ago when I was diagnosed with my cancer. I remember screaming the same way in my car that day. I gave him everything i had, truly the last bit of my soul and it wasn't enough for him. We have resolved all financial issues, we have given each other back our belongings and there is not a single thing left that would cause him to ever need to see me again. We have no children together and no mutual friends i know i will never ever see him again. The thought of never having a hug from him or having his arms around me ever again makes my heart shatter more. I wish he knew what he did to me. I did my best to let him know but I dont ever feel he will understand the agony i am in.I am doing the best I can do and right now it isn't enough. I know I cant talk to him but I keep trying to think up things to possibly talk to him about just to hear his voice but of course I wont actually do it. I am miserable today and today it feels like this pain will last for so much time that it may destroy me in the process. I feel like just giving up I don't want to put my heart through this anymore.