what happened???
Today started out better...but something happened. I went downhill so fast, so bad, had to call my husband home from work. I can't do that every time I have a breakdown, but I just could not be alone, not as dark as my thoughts were. It's just so damn real...more real and more real. As time goes on, it gets more real. I knew all along...but it just brings on a new dimension when time passes. I KNEW she was gone...as time passes it just gets more real. I don't know how to explain it but I am sure there are moms on here that know what I mean. I don't completely understand how things work on here. Is there some way to see which of your friends are on-line and can you chat...like private messaging...when things are desperate??? I am asking so much from you ladies and giving so little. I promise, hang in there with me, someday I will have more to give. Someday I will see beyond my own grief and be able to help others. No one will understand like I will because I have been there. I don't want to be on this site, I don't have a choice. I need support and this is 24/7...I can spill my feelings and get so much compassion. It helps so much. I still grieve, uncontrollably at times, but it helps so much when I see that I have comments on my journal entry. I just want to know how to chat one-on-one, if that is possible. I wish I could log on and always know there is someone there to talk me thru it. Could someone please explain to me if this can be done and how???
Replies
Hi. I don\'t know if there is a way to \"chat\" but, after 13 months of being without my son I do know that simply knowing there are other mothers who will read what I write, will truly understand the pain and most importantly will remind me that this journey is life long.
Your journey is much newer than mine. My 31 year old son Jason died January 25, 2013. He died from having the strep A virus enter his body and shut his organs down so I do not know first hand some of the demons that you are being faced with right now, but I do now that your journey will change. Your breakdowns will become more manageable (if there is such a thing) and the day will come when you will be able to handle them without calling your husband home. But right now, you need to do what you need to do and if that means calling him home because you need to, then do it!
The moms here are all amazing. They give of themselves when they can and then there are times when even they need to step back and do their best to heal their own broken hearts. The day will come when you too will be able to reach out and be there for someone in need and then have to back off to look after yourself.
For now, be gentle with yourself and your husband. We each grieve in our own way and there is no right or wrong way.
I hope you have a moment of peace... keep journaling!!!
tightest of hugs, Merrilee
I\'m going to message you my cell number.
We did have chat here, but I think it\'s been removed???
Gina, I am here for you as are each of us in only the way that others can who walk this path. There used to be a chat ability that DS offered and they don\'t now. We tried to get chat up and going on our website, yet it has not been used much and I think some tried and it was little hard to get used to? I am not a \"chatter\" so I don\'t know if it was user friendly or not?
I am so glad that you called your husband home as that is exactly what you needed to do. I know that it does not feel as if you can endure this horrific loss of your beloved daughter, yet you are, can and will...
Do whatever it takes to make it through the seconds and please be reassured that this spin cycle of emotions is what each of us experiences with enormous intensity those first days, weeks, months and years.
You need a tool kit for emergencies and day to day living right now and only you can figure out what those tools are. My tool kit was composed of these things when I first began: taking a daily shower, getting on my elliptical to move, drinking lots of water, reading anything and everything I could get my hands on about grief and loss, my go to people that I could get in touch with day or night, being out in nature all that I could be, my chaplain community, another mother who had lost her son about four years before Douglas making blankets ... I did not find FMO until I was 14 months on this path and now it has become one of my most powerful healing tools. It is where I hang my hat to not feel so alone in my loneliness and to know that wherever I am someone IS there too or has been where I am and is still here.
You must find the tools that you need to help you in these moments. Even if only one is discovered and used today then you have made a vital discovery. Ask yourself what you need daily for your healing because it changes as quickly as you discovered as the winds change.
Tie a knot on the end of the rope and hang on. It\'s a wild, wild ride and not one that any of us want to be on nor did we ever imagine that we would be. You are surrounded in loving care by other women who are holding you gently in our hearts. Feel it... Slow down the spin cycle of thoughts and drop them down with a huge exhale into your heart where your truth and healing live.
I am thinking of you and sending a moment of peace to find you.
Loving care and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
We\'ve all had that terrible depth of near- despair feelingwe do \"get it\" here and that is most comforting. We are all on and off as our schedules permit, but our hearts are always close to another bereaved Mom\'s s heart, no matter how often or not often we\'re onlineOne day at a timeLove, Donna