What does it mean to heal when my identity is based on pain?
There are times when I'm so depressed that I can't see the meaning in anything, and times when I love life so intensely it seems like my heart will burst. This inherent contradiction sounds objectively problematic, but it's become a part of my character. To be inherently chaotic, to swing wildly from one thing to the next, to love and hate and feel with so much vigor, that's how I've always been. Looking at my traumatic upbringing, it's by no means normal or even desirable, really. I question whether healing and being better means throwing away the person I've been for 19 years left unchecked without treatment or therapy. So much of who I am originates in sorrow and pain, and the way I coped with it. It's not the best way to identify oneself, but it's a valid response to being exposed to constant pain and strife at a young age. And I've kind of accepted that this is who I am.
I fear becoming someone different, someone else. I don't want to lose myself for the sake of being better. But it's the fear itself that's the problem, not the change. That's what I think.
I had my third therapy session on Monday.
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So, a lot of the things we do as children to deal with our problems no longer serves us well as adults. We had to do it back then to survive, but now, we find that those things are disrupting our lives. I imagine we don't need to throw away everything for this first 19 years, but there will be a significant amount of "reparenting" that you will have to do in therapy. I'm glad you are going. You are doing the right thing. Much love.
You are more than your emotions. Your identity may be a passionate one, but the best ppl are. All great characters are born from pain and strife. There is not a single successful person who has left their mark on this world, who has had an easy life. There is no growth without pain, no hunger. Pain is fuel to motivate you to a higher purpose, and a higher evolution of oneself. I am so grateful for the excruciating pain I am going through, it is through the lens of a tear that I can see how far I have come, and how powerful I am. Pain can lead to power it u learn from it.