What do I do? I don't want to be here anymore.

I sometimes wish there was someone on here that knew me personally and could offer some help in these times where I am so confused and just want support. I keep thinking now about the time that I was in the hospital, well the four times and during those time no one called me. Not one person called to see if I was alright of if they could help in anyway. Recently when Rachael made a comment about suicide everything broke loose and everyone was confused as to what to do, and they were all frantic about the situation. But, when Katie was not feeling well in New York I sent her some wine and stuff also Neida, when she was going through shit with her boyfriend I sent her chocolates, and still no one calls me no one supports me. I am alone and stuck. My dad keeps calling me fat and tells me that I need to go on a diet, but he keeps taking me out for meals and liquor so that doesn't help the situation and neither do the drugs that I take. I should really print out the list of side effect and show him about weight gain and retention. I am so tired to go to the gym. Thankfully they are open 24 hours so I can go anytime I feel like it. There is an Italian festival today and I think dad and I are going and then maybe after that Ill go to the gym.
 
I am having more suicidal thoughts than recently usual. I haven't met my new doctor and I don't know how she will judge my suicidal thoughts. I don't want to be committed or put on a hold. I guess I just need some advice from a professional before I take action on something that may be a mistake. I simply think about my family, I don't want them to be burdened with stress of the loss of a son and a brother. But I cant take this pain anymore. It makes me so mad inside I want to yell at dad and tell him not to talk to me anymore about my weight, it is my issue not his he has nothing to worry about.
 
I want that too. I want someone to stay with me and tell me that there is nothing to worry about. I want to feel comforted and safe. I don't want to worry about the world, I don't want to be a part of the world. I don't want to do this anymore. I am going to take a xanax and try to not worry about the situation at all. I need to figure something out.