what day is it...?

thankful for electricity.....without that i couldn't hit the return key which brings up the screen which tells me what day it is.  so hello tuesday.

the weather must be changing.....getting cooler, my body is reacting like crazy whether it's weather based or not.  feeling cruddy.......

ate a late breakfast......my tummy didn't hold on to it for long.  why am i telling anyone this?

i don't know, alone alot......the truth is well......just the truth.

see the other day my tummy got really bad cranky so i took two tabs of an anti-diahhreal med.  the next day i had pain in my lower intestine.  it came on suddenly.  it was harsh, doubling over kind of pain.  so i sat still......and thought this too will pass.  if i don't panic, if i remain calm.....if a ease myself through this....it will GO AWAY. 

i tried a few times to rise, but could not.  the pain was very insistently intense.  felt like something was stuck or in fact kinked up inside an internal pipe.......if it could wend it's way through i could move on with the day.  after a time it just stopped hurting and i put the rest of the laundry away.  tidy girl on a mission.

this morning i had dishes from several meals waiting on the sink.......and a full dishwasher with clean dishes to deal with.  it seemed impossible, so i turned back to the bedroom and talked myself into a hot shower.  showers can be hard to manage, but the heated water is so therapeutic.  feel so drained as i type these words.....and wonder to what end am i writing.  to again overshare personal challenges like difficult bodily functions? pain, overall misery ......my eyes look semi glazed over.  feel like a bad flu......a different version of the same thing we CFS/ME'ers go through daily. 

wanna give up this life of luxury, bon bons......endless glory and fun.  and just be a normal klid.  a regular person.  some aches and pains.  a bit of tired now and again.  not this overwhelming need to stay under the covers......to ease the pain, to try to sleep.....to fend off the endless feelings it can bring on.  not hopeless exactly.......not in a dark place really........just thinking that if i haven't managed to make friends ....as in pals to hang out with in my community live after several years of trying.......then will it ...can it change? am i what exactly?

well i can't be counted on really.  a plan breaker for years.  can't do a lot of the stuff other people do......so that leaves me on the sidelines.  not only on the sidelines but in my own nest......so if the sidelines are featured on tv, that is where i sit.  what am i going on about?  here marches our little friend, brain fog. 

lost in space.....spaced out.  space cadet.....so much space.  space of my own for too long.  what have i tried?  visiting churches, bible studies, a community luncheon monthly (as i am able)...

i am usually the one who initiates time with my kids.  i make the plans. i call them first.  to get a get together arranged.  which is not worth brooding about really......there are a lot of people out there who are bad planners, decision makers......and yet they are excellent company.  if left to them to plan, unite and hang out it will never happen, they need the gentle prodders like us to get them out there......

sorry, i have to stop typing, i can't figure out what i am saying.....or why really. and i think just another ramble going nowhere......nothing to cry over, just need to hunker down in my soft little cozy bunker and be quiet.  be still.  pray and rest. rest and pray.  the end........p.s. thank you for you.  for this day. for time together.  for letting me talk....whether it's P.C. exactly or not......for forgiving me, for laughing with me, for sharing your wisdom and your kindness.  amen and amen.