What can I say?

What can I say? Nothing. Last night my son flew in from college in New Jersey. I was never told when he was arriving. I was never told anything. I couldn't resist calling him after a time that I thought he should be here. As always I am right.(don't you just hate always being right?!)The first call he didn't answer, actually when he knew it was me he sent the call to voice mail. After a few minutes I tried again, this time I would leave a voice mail, but instead he answered.We started talking about his school and my school. After a few minutes I told him I didn't want to keep him since it was very late his time(after 12am),but he answered "I really hate to let this conversation end", so I said me too! We continued to talk about school. Finally I his phone was running out of charge, so I said let me ask you about what you are doing the next few days. "Well he said I will be busy all day tomorrow. I have Christmas shopping to do. I said well doesn't your dad work tomorrow? Do you need a ride any where? No that's okay someone else will take me.(I wish I could have been swallowed whole) I said so when can I see you for Christmas? Well, what are you doing from Sunday on?(Not what are you doing for Christmas)I said Kyle I asked you over a month ago to make some kind of plans to see me for the holiday. I can't just sit here and cry all day while you and daddy and Katie have fun. "Oh, sorry". I am working Christmas Day. So I will not see my son until maybe sometime after the 26th. I know I won't see him the 27th because his dad will take him to the After Xmas sales so maybe by the 28 he will call me to see what I am doing. That is if his dad's family is not here for the week, then I will not hear from him until after the New year. He is going back to school Jan. 14th. For the almost 2 weeks after all the holidays that he will be here, I am working 3 days and have a dentist appointment another day. I see the handwriting on the wall, the earliest I might see my son is Jan. 2nd. I will not see my daughter at all. She still refuses to see me or have any contact. My X's friends, girlfriend, family, etc. comes before any time with me. Then of course the kids will be told "THEY" need some down time so there really just isn't time for your mother this year, after all she is a grown up, she understands and should act accordingly. This is just more proof of how mentally unstable and over dramatic your mother is! This isn't the only Christmas holidays that will ever be, can't she see that! Just don't worry about her, she'll be all right, "I give her enough money!" It doesn't count that I haven't been with them for any Christmas since 2008. The closest I got was last year I got to see my son on Christmas eve, because the x was busy doing something,or working and my son was tired of sitting at home alone doing nothing! Woo hoo! Mom gets the left overs. What have I done to deserve all of this?????????????? And they wonder why I cry. I have no Christmas this year. I guess I always knew it would be like this. I have no fun Christmas plans, no presents bought, no Christmas cards sent, nothing. I have always loved Christmas, but I am trying to be like all the other alone people I know. Christmas is just another day in the year. When the day is over just move on to the next day, just like every other day all year long. This is possibly the saddest I have ever been. I don't know if I can take any more. I tried to see a counselor the other night, cost me $70 I don't have, I was referred by an agency that said she had a sliding scale, yeah it slides from $90 to $90, she was a little upset to only get $70. What good does it do to seek help when you can't afford the help and they can't do anything until after several visits to bring them up to speed on your "problem". I guess I finally want something for nothing! And even nothing cost money!
So here I sit at 5:34am, crying my heart out over something I can't change and can't quite except.Part of the reason I agreed to work was I was afraid something like this would happen. Yet I knew if I made any kind of plans, then they would call and only want to see me when I am busy. So I am busy. At least for the time I am working I won't be crying. But I am only working 8:30am to about 2pm. then I have the rest of the day free to die and be miserable. I know, I know that isn't how I should let it be, but lets be honest here, that is how it will be. Meanwhile my x and kids will be laughing and opening presents and just spending quality time with each other and any one but me. Why can't I have another family...why aren't I young enough to have other children? find a new husband and make a new life without them? why??I am making a new life, but I still wish to have them in my life for a few minutes at least every year.I just don't understand what I have done to deserve this? Why does God and every one else think I am strong enough to deal with all of this? I am slowly killing myself, both physically, mentally and definitely emotionally! All I can say at this point is I sure hope someone else learns and avoids what I am going through so at least someone else benefits from all my troubles and sorrows! But at this point I can't see it! Telling me I am okay, it is my kids and X that have the problem just isn't cutting it any more. Years are going by, and nothing ever seems to change. At least not the really important stuff. Oh the day to day happening change and not always for the better, but they do change. So I am miserable. I am trying so hard to be thankful that I finally got to talk to my son after more than 4 months(do you realize even the military in Afghanistan and Iraq get to talk to loved ones almost once a month!)It was special to talk like in the old days, just you can't talk about seeing each other or even when you can talk again. It is just a conversation in a vacuum! So I guess that was my Christmas gift this year. I got to talk to my son.