What can I say?
What can I say? Nothing. Last night my son flew in from college in New Jersey. I was never told when he was arriving. I was never told anything. I couldn't resist calling him after a time that I thought he should be here. As always I am right.(don't you just hate always being right?!)The first call he didn't answer, actually when he knew it was me he sent the call to voice mail. After a few minutes I tried again, this time I would leave a voice mail, but instead he answered.We started talking about his school and my school. After a few minutes I told him I didn't want to keep him since it was very late his time(after 12am),but he answered "I really hate to let this conversation end", so I said me too! We continued to talk about school. Finally I his phone was running out of charge, so I said let me ask you about what you are doing the next few days. "Well he said I will be busy all day tomorrow. I have Christmas shopping to do. I said well doesn't your dad work tomorrow? Do you need a ride any where? No that's okay someone else will take me.(I wish I could have been swallowed whole) I said so when can I see you for Christmas? Well, what are you doing from Sunday on?(Not what are you doing for Christmas)I said Kyle I asked you over a month ago to make some kind of plans to see me for the holiday. I can't just sit here and cry all day while you and daddy and Katie have fun. "Oh, sorry". I am working Christmas Day. So I will not see my son until maybe sometime after the 26th. I know I won't see him the 27th because his dad will take him to the After Xmas sales so maybe by the 28 he will call me to see what I am doing. That is if his dad's family is not here for the week, then I will not hear from him until after the New year. He is going back to school Jan. 14th. For the almost 2 weeks after all the holidays that he will be here, I am working 3 days and have a dentist appointment another day. I see the handwriting on the wall, the earliest I might see my son is Jan. 2nd. I will not see my daughter at all. She still refuses to see me or have any contact. My X's friends, girlfriend, family, etc. comes before any time with me. Then of course the kids will be told "THEY" need some down time so there really just isn't time for your mother this year, after all she is a grown up, she understands and should act accordingly. This is just more proof of how mentally unstable and over dramatic your mother is! This isn't the only Christmas holidays that will ever be, can't she see that! Just don't worry about her, she'll be all right, "I give her enough money!" It doesn't count that I haven't been with them for any Christmas since 2008. The closest I got was last year I got to see my son on Christmas eve, because the x was busy doing something,or working and my son was tired of sitting at home alone doing nothing! Woo hoo! Mom gets the left overs. What have I done to deserve all of this?????????????? And they wonder why I cry. I have no Christmas this year. I guess I always knew it would be like this. I have no fun Christmas plans, no presents bought, no Christmas cards sent, nothing. I have always loved Christmas, but I am trying to be like all the other alone people I know. Christmas is just another day in the year. When the day is over just move on to the next day, just like every other day all year long. This is possibly the saddest I have ever been. I don't know if I can take any more. I tried to see a counselor the other night, cost me $70 I don't have, I was referred by an agency that said she had a sliding scale, yeah it slides from $90 to $90, she was a little upset to only get $70. What good does it do to seek help when you can't afford the help and they can't do anything until after several visits to bring them up to speed on your "problem". I guess I finally want something for nothing! And even nothing cost money!
So here I sit at 5:34am, crying my heart out over something I can't change and can't quite except.Part of the reason I agreed to work was I was afraid something like this would happen. Yet I knew if I made any kind of plans, then they would call and only want to see me when I am busy. So I am busy. At least for the time I am working I won't be crying. But I am only working 8:30am to about 2pm. then I have the rest of the day free to die and be miserable. I know, I know that isn't how I should let it be, but lets be honest here, that is how it will be. Meanwhile my x and kids will be laughing and opening presents and just spending quality time with each other and any one but me. Why can't I have another family...why aren't I young enough to have other children? find a new husband and make a new life without them? why??I am making a new life, but I still wish to have them in my life for a few minutes at least every year.I just don't understand what I have done to deserve this? Why does God and every one else think I am strong enough to deal with all of this? I am slowly killing myself, both physically, mentally and definitely emotionally! All I can say at this point is I sure hope someone else learns and avoids what I am going through so at least someone else benefits from all my troubles and sorrows! But at this point I can't see it! Telling me I am okay, it is my kids and X that have the problem just isn't cutting it any more. Years are going by, and nothing ever seems to change. At least not the really important stuff. Oh the day to day happening change and not always for the better, but they do change. So I am miserable. I am trying so hard to be thankful that I finally got to talk to my son after more than 4 months(do you realize even the military in Afghanistan and Iraq get to talk to loved ones almost once a month!)It was special to talk like in the old days, just you can't talk about seeing each other or even when you can talk again. It is just a conversation in a vacuum! So I guess that was my Christmas gift this year. I got to talk to my son.
So here I sit at 5:34am, crying my heart out over something I can't change and can't quite except.Part of the reason I agreed to work was I was afraid something like this would happen. Yet I knew if I made any kind of plans, then they would call and only want to see me when I am busy. So I am busy. At least for the time I am working I won't be crying. But I am only working 8:30am to about 2pm. then I have the rest of the day free to die and be miserable. I know, I know that isn't how I should let it be, but lets be honest here, that is how it will be. Meanwhile my x and kids will be laughing and opening presents and just spending quality time with each other and any one but me. Why can't I have another family...why aren't I young enough to have other children? find a new husband and make a new life without them? why??I am making a new life, but I still wish to have them in my life for a few minutes at least every year.I just don't understand what I have done to deserve this? Why does God and every one else think I am strong enough to deal with all of this? I am slowly killing myself, both physically, mentally and definitely emotionally! All I can say at this point is I sure hope someone else learns and avoids what I am going through so at least someone else benefits from all my troubles and sorrows! But at this point I can't see it! Telling me I am okay, it is my kids and X that have the problem just isn't cutting it any more. Years are going by, and nothing ever seems to change. At least not the really important stuff. Oh the day to day happening change and not always for the better, but they do change. So I am miserable. I am trying so hard to be thankful that I finally got to talk to my son after more than 4 months(do you realize even the military in Afghanistan and Iraq get to talk to loved ones almost once a month!)It was special to talk like in the old days, just you can't talk about seeing each other or even when you can talk again. It is just a conversation in a vacuum! So I guess that was my Christmas gift this year. I got to talk to my son.
Replies
I\'m sorry. I\'m so so sorry.
Thank you, but please help someone else not to have to suffer the way I am at least it won\'t all be in vain.
Here\'s an article that may bring you additional understanding:
http://www.disclose.tv/forum/four-critical-signs-of-the-brainwashed-mind-t4142.html
Remember, the vast majority of cult followers are adults. Look at Waco...and other places. Ignorance can be a lifelong pursuit...and the cult follower can follow to the end.
I don\'t know all the dynamics here, but from what you\'ve told me, these very much may apply.
Research brainwashing and realize that your children are just that...and that their allegiances are more a sign of their weakness than you\'d ever imagine.
They must swear allegiance with the stronger parent, in this case. As the article says, \"it\'s psychologically easier\".
Thanks Jon. I am trying and for the moment seem to be succeeding in stopping the crying and looking at this from a different view. I am still miserable, but at least can see that it is not ALL my fault that I am sitting here cut off from the two people that mean the most to me. I must bare some responsibility as I have not and never will be a perfect person. So I have made some bad mistakes during this time of trial, but I am not alone. I just find it so hard to come to my senses. I know when the holidays are over and I am back in school it will be MUCH easier to look beyond my misery and see something else. And after all that is life. Just keep moving and if possible move forward. Thanks you are a good friend. Hope you are feeling well and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I just got Internet, cable TV(basic only)and a local calls only telephone installed. Guess I could say it is my gift to myself. Now I can be on DS anytime I want.
Just remember...apart from all the, in varying degree half-hearted celebrations, dinners, and parties...Christmas Day is still December 25th...another day on the calendar.
If we want to...we can make all types of emotional assignments and expectations to this day of the year...or...we can choose to see it as it is...and that truly is no different than any other day of the year.
This day will slip away into the oblivion of another forgotten holiday and be totally insignificant in that mindset. But, the damage you do to yourself emotionally, and thus physically, will only stand to be another patch of quicksand where you found yourself neck deep.
We set ourselves up for this, if you think about it.
I\'m here with my cat this weekend because Mary is off making double time and a half doing her contract work at a hospital on down in the state.
I could sit here and lament that fact and ruminate over mom being gone, my estranged sister, and another year less of life to live...but, gosh...why would I do that?
I would do that because of inculcated and assumed shame. I would be treating myself shamefully...all because of my belief that I DESERVE to be miserable.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
So, I choose to live in truth and the truth of the moment...the larger truth.
Monday, Mary and I will celebrate our Christmas together...go out to eat...and have plenty of money to do so because of her efforts.
This evening and tomorrow evening (I volunteered for an extra shift), I will work at the Crisis Center and I am sure get calls from people who\'ve pidegeonholed themselves into a self punishing mindset. Either that, or they will be drunk when they call...and perhaps suicidal.
So, with that in mind...I\'ve got a job to do and I really don\'t have time for sentimentality.
If you see your children\'s behavior as a reflection on you...think again. You appeased R and that only gave him room to do his work. He\'s a Psychopath. I\'d be sure that I didn\'t turn into one myself.
Walk in the truth of the love you know you can give. Address your own needs today and remember...you can\'t kill a Narcissist without becoming one yourself.
Keep choosing the high road. I\'m proud of you.
Boy Jon you really know how to make me cry! You are right I am turning into a Psychopath and Narcissist. Taking the high road is not easy,I have always known that, I just can\'t seem to keep up front in my thinking. Yes I am slowly physically killing myself. My leg starting at the knee is swollen it continues downward and eventually will start upward. My doctor thinks it might be I think he called a deep vein thrombosis, I don\'t remember exactly, I couldn\'t afford the test a year ago and still can\'t but at some point if it is, it will probably break loose and I will have a stroke of some kind. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. But I know my crying makes things like this worse in some way. I am sorry you are at home with out Mary, but as you have said you have a plan for after the exact holiday. That is all I want, a realistic plan. Something for me. Even if they won\'t see me on the exact holiday, make sometime after the holiday and tell me its to see me and to spend time together. But they can\'t do that. Yes I will work, I will move on, it is just another day. But it\'s that they never ever think of me. Yet they call me dramatic and inappropriate when I ask for time. Right now the X is supposed to have paid me my $415.39 a week support payment, but as of this moment it hasn\'t happened. The only reason is he did not put enough money in his account to allow the bank to
automatically pay me. He plays games. I should know better. But in a sense I am forever a \"Pollyanna\", I want to believe people are basically good and don\'t mean to hurt anyone. I always try to look on the bright side. I have just been in the dark for so long, its hard to keep a cheerful outlook. I had better end this as I keep accidentally erasing all my hard work of typing. So I am glad you have your cat, give him/her a cat treat for me and have the best day possible.
I\'m so glad Tigerpaws came on and posted his comments. He said what I wanted to say only 10x\'s better. I am sure your children do not contact you because they do not want grief from their father. It\'s sad.
(((HUGS)))) Just remember, there are lots of people (myself included) who love and care for you because of who you are and not what you can do for them.
I think a healthy approach to the things and people we cannot control is paramount here.
Our unmet dependencies are the things that cast us into fear and anger. Likewise, they are the one thing of which we have the most control.
With that said, lay out a plan for you and with you and include people who have the capacity to love you back...because it\'s obvious...these family members haven\'t a clue.
Why waste your love on someone who can\'t take it in??
If he doesn\'t pay you, he\'s going to be seeing a judge soon. Keep your receipts.
What would lead you to believe that you\'re becoming a Psychopath and a Narcissist?
One key element of these things is a lack of empathy.
Perhaps you may be becoming a Narcissist because you won\'t give yourself any empathy.
Characterological anger gives an immediate sense and feeling of power to the one willing to wield it like a sword. Perhaps this is an element of the problem...I don\'t know...but I do know that if someone stays angry all the time, they are bound to become depressed.
I am sorry this has happened to you. Mary\'s in much the same boat with her brainwashed children. She\'s learning though and the episodes get shorter and they are less frequent because she understands that this world is not just about those children and that ex...and that theirs a piece of the pie in this world for her as well.
Concepts and practices are hard to break when they feel as though you\'ve let go or lost the one thing you had to hold on to. Sometimes you\'ve got to lose to win.
Mac you are in no way a Narcissist. You are a woman who takes things hard and you need more time. You have feelings, hopes and dreams.
Please don\'t sit home praying for a call that might not come. You\'ve been there too long. You find something to do with yourself. You have come a long way and you just need a bit more acceptance.
I wish you were near me I would have you at my house for the holidays. You have done your best and you really need to preplan these holidays. Fill them up with activity. I think you did really well at ctting that call short. You tried and your son wanted to talk more.
Isn\'t this more than you had last year. Progress is slow for your son too. I still say if you\'re patient that is the one you will have in your life.
Tigerpaws has given you some good advice. Please listen to him and I will look for you on here over the holiday. I worry about you.
Thanks Trisha, I think that is what is hurting me so bad, I did make plans. I know what is right I just find it so hard to accept. Don\'t worry about me, I am one of those people no matter how bad things are I always make it through. I just am not always worth much after it is all over. I will make it through the holidays, I can\'t die yet. I just don\'t know why the good Lord needs me around, I am hardly worth anything anymore. But I will keep on moving no matter what direction it is in!
I\'ve read everything that all have said. I can add no more.
Only to repeat what I have said, \"i know how painful this is. but you need to seperate yourself from them. and just let them be. your son calls? talk to him and leave it at that\" I like everything the others have told you.
What do you mean you aren\'t worth anything anymore?
I have no home, no job, and I KNOW I am worth something. You are worth more then you give yourself credit for.
I mean that I am so puffed up in my face from crying it is hard to smile and move on. I don\'t mean I am completely worthless, just temporarily not up to snuff! I can\'t forget about my kids. They are all I have left in this world. You have somebody AND you have your children. I did not receive one Christmas card. And yes everyone is right, but do you know how hard it is to just go about the days like they mean nothing and never did? I am quote a sentimental type person. I am not etched in stone, I can make new memories, but even in making new memories I need some of the old people to help me make them. To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your children don\'t even think of you as last in their lives, is very difficult to accept. To know that they make all kinds of plans with someone that only is making those plans to hurt me, is beyond acceptable. I am moving, just not the way I think I should and not near fast enough to get past all of this. I tried to call but your not taking calls. Sorry.
Sending hugs and prayers for you. I don\'t know what else to say.