What am I? NEW?
Gee whiz.I must be an idiot. After 4 weeks (at least) of flareing with each week getting worse - I'm generally weeker - not going anywhere, letting my mom do the shopping etc, less and less coffee house visits, not being able to handle the laundry - sionce it kind of goes up and down and i always manage to pull myself together enought tpo make it thru meetings and Sunday service, I foolo myself into thinking I'm okay.But damn it. I'm not. I'm weak, exhausted, in pain, no voice if i walk across a room, and sleeping all the time or at least lying down cause I don't have the strength to sit up for very long.I am having total trouble getting to sleep at night no matter how exhaused - even taking sleeping pills doesn't help. So then I sleep late and never reall;y get going.Not giving a damn about my appearance, contacts, hair style, makeup are too hard.Crap - typing on my nice soft computer keyboard is hard, cramps my hands and arms to peices, so what am I havering about, i ask myself?I DON"T WANT TO BE SICK! I've had bad flares all year but this is nearly as bad as when i was first sick with the Eptien Barr etc - when I was in bed for 6 weeks. I was lucky to have the money and time to go to Dr Holtorf's clinic and get tested, diagnosed and start treatment. But a few months after getting to Hawaii I couldn't afford all that anymore. And I can't find a doctor in the Islands who seems to know CFIDS and FMS at all - surely there must be someone. I've been trying, but everything is so frickin hard when I'm sick. Phone calls are hard. Gettting my Prescriptions filled is hard - (and now my primary care doc is on parental leave for a couple months!)I don't know what to do. I can't go on disability - I cannot afford it. And I have a part time job that I can manage and sometimes do really well, it is my dream job - except for it being half time with half time pay . Way more than half of what I used to make last year - but this job stands to make a difference for this church and for my future work in ministry - it gives me great "experience points" becasue if we succeed I'll be one of the first to carry it through.So I can't get another job right now - which is what I need - and I can't quit and go on disability - tho my mom wants me to really look into it - that shows how sick I am - I think that conversation really wiped away the blinders I was wearing, telling myself I was getting better, or just herxing. If it was herxing from the cipro I'd be starting to feel better.oh man. i can't get my housework done - and I just havev to cause my neice and her friend are moving in in 12 days - I can do maybe 5- 10 minutes of work 3-4 times a day. WTF? What am I sup[posed to do?at home in California I had long time friends who I could ask for help from - to help clean or shop or whatever when things got bad, or after a flare when the house and office would be a disaster cause I could only work and sleep - cleaning got sacrificed. Well i don't have that here.In all truthfulness I probably do have people I could ask. But they are all from church and I haven't been here long enough to know who could understand this kind of illness and not panic that I'm going to have to Quit. I will not do that.I have nearly 4 weeks of vacation I never took last year - I probably should take it right now and just ride this out without the stress of work.But this is a really important time in the work the church is doing - very critical - I can't just stop. I am needed. And further since I live 10 feet from the church there's no way to take vacation while I'm here anyway.I need a miracle. I need a doctor. I need a maid - hee...A maid would be a miracle! for that matter so would a doctor!I guess I have to leave it in God's Hands.In my weakness God is strong...
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