what am I doing
I went to my father's house today and shared some time with my parents and my siblings
and neighbors. i felt fatigued after a while of being there. Just too much exhaustion from working in the garden and... then being social began to be too much pressure and difficult.
I don't know why I got so tired and as I got back to the house I noticed that it was easier
to be here - but I wondered - what exactly ..what was I doing here at the house that was easier. Perhaps relating to others? In essence though I am just as responsible for my time here on my own - and I know I can wonder what to do with myself but my choices are valid -
I am worthy to choose what I want to do. The pressure does build up to do something - and it makes choosing to do something more urgent - but for now I am choosing to write about my experience today - my conclusions and understandings -
When at my father's I found myself afraid of what I was (a bad realization from the night before) - but and so I knew this morning I had
an essential flaw that I can't seem to get past - and shared that honesty with my father (as we discussed it sometime shortly after I got there) it served as a reality check - a fork in the road - and maybe a compassion for myself and others to know that we are all dealing with the difficulty of being human and flawed. Things went well - but seriously I was very tired after being there -
and was tired still since I have been back here at the house. Now it seems I am looking for things to keep busy with - and that I'll do.
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I keep thinking about this rising in pressure in me to do something with my evening.
watching tv isn't really enough....and I found myself coming to understand
that, for me, there has been a kind of mission to learn about myself
and yet also a blindness to what I was doing. I sat there after turning off the tv
and wondered what was I living for...? not in an I want to commit suicide for...but in a way like
just what were my goals? I realized that I have been caught up in a kind of instant gratification - a blindness to my immediate gratifications - and now I have an awareness of that greater couching of my actions - sure I'll always like to steal a snack or have a drink or
maybe make whoopie hehe - but I think now it's maybe time to think about some bigger goals for myself - this feels like a reprieve. a moment of calmness that I am grateful for.
I just remembered tomorrow is Christmas shopping day. Ho ho ho .."Tis the season!
Have fun shopping. I always love Christmas shopping. Setting goals are good. Short term goals and long term goals. Short term ones so you don't get discouraged waiting for the long term ones to happen. Take care.
hi becky, I know it's important to keep on trying to grow and stretch ourselves and evolve -
last night i was kind of in a place where I felt like that. Thanks for your support and yeah - it's important to have goals. Christmas shopping can be fun. Big hug back to you. :)
Hi! All the best to you for doing well and getting back home happy ~ always good to be home, right?! Take care.