What am I asking of myself? these are notes.
My day yesterday was upsetting but it made me face this morning with the question of what I can do and what I can't
and what I will do and what I won't. Am I asking too much of myself I posited? In the aspect of my relationship status
I saw I kind of had a little twisted vantage that I had to be some super strong invidividual - self sufficient -
stoic and hermetically self responsible. That made me ask too 'Am I asking myself to go through life without a partner? Why? It's life sustaining to not go through life alone.'
I recognized I idealize the way relationships should be - and I idealize how I should be?
The monastery is a place where ‘The idea’ of this place attracted me to it.
I wondered too if I am I a control freak?
and I asked myself with all these questions I write about what in the heck I’m expecting from myself?
That I have to be perefect
And other people have to be perfect too?
I can go through life seeing others' human nature - niceness
and yet bitchiness - and seeing that as part of being a human animal. Blue can even be a bitch scratching
and biting. So have I been asking too much of myself?
along the lines of being too ideal?
I find myself trying to remain amongst other now to be in touch with humanity and human nature people can be nice and that’s the ideal but it’s acceptable to have the irascible prickly side and again ask myself if I am expecting too much from myself ?
I find myself tonight appreciating the sisters - I can take enjoyment inhabiting the world of prayer and routine with them.
I feel self possessed enough now to not feel that I am being swallowed by the monastery.
Do I want to get to work again? That's a question that I've got to answer.
Replies
ponderance of this post has brought a disembodied voice which has haunted me for as long as i can remember, saying, "the right answer to the wrong question won't get you far."
more and more i think the only question i need is, "what is your will for me today, dear god?"
i look for simple answers to that question. do this kindness here. do this act of love there.
Thanks Arfie!