What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive
Oh how things are fallng apart for the love birds. Isn't quiet the vacation you imagined. No one was supposed to know. You don't have that air of inncoence anymore. You can't play victim like you planned.
Can you look at yourself in the mirror? How can you look at your kids? Dads really not to blame now is he.
i look atthe course of events in the past week and wonder how in the hell did this all line up right now? I would like to think God was not going to allow you to deceive me any longer. I prayed for piece and understabding and he gave it too me. I did not understand why he said no when I asked for my marriage to be healed. I understand now. He knew I deserved better was not worthy of your lies and deceptions.
The choice to be fooled by your actions was mine. I chose to believe you, I chose to trust you, never again.
I will conce trace all my energies on the boys now. Should not be hard I never stopped. My priorities were always where they should be. Yours have not in a long time.
My mind is still filled with your lies but that will pass. I know I tried my hardest to save my marriage I just did not understand what forces were against me.
You on the other hand have a long road ahead. One paved with your own lies and deceptions. You now travel that road alone. Soon the fog will lift and you will no longer see the same look in your kids faces. Respect is not as easily returned like you think it will be.
I would lying I said I didn't still love you. But it's not the present you that I love. It's what you were or what I thought you were. That's who I love.
Good luck! Your gonna need it
Can you look at yourself in the mirror? How can you look at your kids? Dads really not to blame now is he.
i look atthe course of events in the past week and wonder how in the hell did this all line up right now? I would like to think God was not going to allow you to deceive me any longer. I prayed for piece and understabding and he gave it too me. I did not understand why he said no when I asked for my marriage to be healed. I understand now. He knew I deserved better was not worthy of your lies and deceptions.
The choice to be fooled by your actions was mine. I chose to believe you, I chose to trust you, never again.
I will conce trace all my energies on the boys now. Should not be hard I never stopped. My priorities were always where they should be. Yours have not in a long time.
My mind is still filled with your lies but that will pass. I know I tried my hardest to save my marriage I just did not understand what forces were against me.
You on the other hand have a long road ahead. One paved with your own lies and deceptions. You now travel that road alone. Soon the fog will lift and you will no longer see the same look in your kids faces. Respect is not as easily returned like you think it will be.
I would lying I said I didn't still love you. But it's not the present you that I love. It's what you were or what I thought you were. That's who I love.
Good luck! Your gonna need it
Replies
You are taking some positive steps forward. Good progress in a short time. Do concentrate on your kids - but also on yourself. Go easy on yourself for a time, and find outlets for your attention - ways to distract your mind. If you need to spend an evening watching a couple of goofball comedies just to keep your mind from racing, do it, and don\'t beat yourself up about being unproductive or something.
One thing that I found was true in my case, and I think maybe you will too: finding out about the cheating was a GOOD thing! I find out about the cheating after the decision to divorce was made (I think you did too). So I first went through all the mental anguish of being dumped after nearly 20 years, of second-guessing myself and my actions, and evaluating my flaws, etc. Some of that is healthy - realizing that we are all flawed and we have all made mistakes. But then I learned about the cheating and a whole lot of things became MUCH clearer to me - all sorts of red flags and oddness in her behavior, etc. It all made sense. And it did cause me to pull a lot of the blame off of myself, where I had been placing it, and realize that she deserves a heck of a lot of that blame. It was a wakeup call that hurt, but also that healed. I hope you find some of the same positives coming from this revelation.
I feel the same way. I am no longer beating myself up like I was doing. What kills me is she was letting me do that. Heartless just plain inhuman.
I feel down again today but better than a week ago. I still have a long way to go
\"Heartless and inhuman\" - yes. Here is another thing that I believe is true, that I reasoned out along the way: In order for the cheating spouse to justify to themselves what they are doing they first must demonize you. This means that over time, they overemphasized (in their minds) every little flaw or negative aspect of you/me, they convinced themselves of how bad/wrong/unfair we are/were, saw us always in a negative light. It\'s easier to justify cheating, lying, and treating your spouse like garbage if you have first convince yourself that they are (something like) garbage.
So how can she be so heartless and inhuman? Because she previously convinced herself of how terrible you are. How/why did she do that? In part it\'s the strife that all couples go through who have been together for a long time. But it\'s also her own self-defense mechanism helping her to justify her cheating - you\'re so terrible, so you deserve it. Something like that.
Not a fun line of thinking, but I think in most cases (including my own) that this is a correct portrait of the cheater.
Hang in there. You are doing well, all considering.
That is exactly what she has done.
So how do you over come this? How do you rub in there face that you don\'t care what they think? I want her to feel guilt, blame and remorse. I need her to feel the pain she has caused. I need her to be in the same pain
I think she is feeling guilt and pain - maybe some remorse. She won\'t show it, though. Or else she is too caught up in her affair right now - and that guilt/remorse trip will happen later. There\'s nothing you can do about what she does or doesn\'t feel. You can\'t control her side of this at all.
So what do you do? You can only work on your side of it. Work through the anger and grief. For me it was mostly anger. But every once in a while I\'d get waves of grief. And this is unusual for me, but I learned to try to \"feel\" that grief instead of shutting it out - just sit and cry for a half hour or whatever, let it in. Those episodes seemed to help a little bit. And they became less frequent too.
Journal about what you\'re feeling can help. Make a big list of all the ways in which she is/was bad for you - all the negatives. Maybe it\'s petty, but from the standpoint of the dumped person I think focusing on the negatives of your ex helps knock them off that pedestal that we probably put them on in our minds.
You want to \"get back\" at her, understandably. There\'s not really a good way to do it. I mean, if you suddenly let it be know that you were dating someone else, I guess that could hurt her. But you know you\'re in no condition to do that. So the better approach is to work towards indifference. In the future, when you are truly over your ex, you will be indifferent (or close to it) about her, her life, anyone she\'s with, etc. For now, you can fake it. She\'s dead to you, right? Nothing about her matters anymore. You\'ll have to fake it for a while but it will feel more true as time goes on.
For my part, I am a bit cold towards her - so that\'s not really pure indifference. I spoke my mind to her in one text when I found out about the cheating. And since then I have only spoken to her when necessary. I try to use email for necessary communications. We went to court to get divorced and I literally did not say a single word to her through the whole process. We have to see each other occasionally to hand our kid off. I don\'t even look at her. All focus on my child. I guess it would be better for me to be less cold and treat her just like any \"normal\" person, but I\'m not there yet. So for now, she gets no consideration at all from me. She doesn\'t exist. I don\'t know if this bothers her or not. Possibly not. But it\'s what I can manage right now.
We are very alike. I won\'t look at her either.
I wish I could buy you a beer.
Thanks man, I\'d buy you one right now. You need it more. I\'ve had way too many anyway over the last 9 months.