What a day, but still good

A long, long day today. Frigging computer is a bit messed up. I'll have to get to another computer to fix it tho. Somehow a file got dileated and I can't get onto the start or my programes. Just a blank screen. The only way I can get on is through the task mngr. Very, very frustrating. felt like just throwing the whole computer out the window. been trying everything all day long to fix it, but I need to download the file on another computer, burn it to a disk, and then run it here. What a pain in the ass. I guess you could look at it another way. I've been learning lots. Patience, tollerance, some new swear words. $#@%*&#$%@$%^#&, fucking whore! Oh well. It gave me something to do, and a chance to practise program, and look at myself. I also got the biggest hydro bill ever. $300.00. #%^$$%&**#@ That really pissed me off. i just payed the last one last month, so I don't really understand why this is so high. I have been using more electricity because of the cold. I've been cooking more to, and vacuming a lot. Recovery seems pretty expensive. I never used to clean much, or eat, but now I do, and that cost more. Still $300.00 is a lot. I phoned Bob and was yapping off to him about it. I was telling him because it's cold in here I've used more electricity because I have two heaters going most of the time. I realize now that I was blaming him for it, but when i think about it, I really have been a bit carefree about it. I think the most electricity is because of the stove I put in. I've been using it a lot, and sometimes leaving it on unescessarily. The computer is always on too. Gonna be some changes for sure now. I unpluged most things now. The sterio, even tho it's off still uses electricity for the display. I even unpluged the stove now, because I can here the clock running even when it's off. Still, that bill seems a lot. I did leave the lights on often when I went out, but they are energy saving lights. Really seems an amzing bill. I phoned the hydro and asked about it, but they were sure everything is right. They installed a new meter, and checked them. I started thinking perhaps Bob had the electricity from downstairs hooked up to mine. I checked, but no. I was so frustrated and pissed off that I even thought about drinking. Just a thought tho. Kinda surprised even me that I didn't. I had twenty bucks on me, but i thought of all the shit I would feel after. The guilt of waking up tomorrow knowing that I fucked up again, and being more mad. i also know that i wouldn't be able to hide it. Just can't bullshit like I used to, and don't want to. And then there's Amy. Boy, I hated the last time I did that. I seen how it really had a bad affect on her. I couldn't be me. I didn't want to push her away, but I think that's what I was doing because I just felt bad. That kind of bad really makes it hard to be real with people. It was an awfull feeling that I don't want to have again. It did really hurt that I had caused her pain because of drinking. she didn't desrve that at all. All this I thought about, and drinking just wasn't an option. It wasn't even a strong want for drinking, just seemed like a sily thought passing through my head. Even got myself so frustrated at one point, that I thought of crying, but then I thought some more. It's just some numbers on a paper. it's not the end of the world. i guess all this just brought out some big fears. Reminded me of how I'de get so pissed off about similar things when I was younger. I think it's just some of those old fears I developed when I was younger, but never matured about. Things will be alright. That's what I always tell everyone else. Why not myself? I've been through much worse, and God hasn't brought me this far just to laugh at me. It's an oportunity to grow, and I will. I'm gonna kick that fear right in the teeth. I'm not going to let those fears fuck me up drinking again. I'll face them. Went to my step study tonight. On step four again. I'll do it. I'm going to stay sober. I'm glad that meeting was tonight. I told my sponsor about everything. Even told him I would phone Bob to apologize. Bob was even talking sense to me, well trying at the time. He said it was just a few days work, and it is. I'm glad I didn't drink. I'm even more happy that I didn't hurt anyone, especially Amy. She been so good to have talking to. She gives me hope, and encouragement, and helps me keep going. Also, I didn't hurt me. Thank you, Lord.