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Lately, I've been experiencing an emotion that I'm not familiar with. I say this because feelings haven't always been my strong suit. Blame it on my childhood, or my relationships, or my current circumstance, whatever the reason is, I'm really bad at them. Not to be confused with telling people how I feel, because that I do well. Mostly when it's angry or disappointed. Whatever this feeling is, I don't like it. I wouldn't say it's depression, because that sounds dramatic. I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel like I have lost complete control of the things around me in which I have always had under control. A few months ago, I had passion. I had direction. I had stability. I was content that my family wasn't there for me. I was totally okay with being single and "doing me" as they say. I loved the friends that I had and when I laid my head down everyday, I slept well knowing that this is where I'm supposed to be. Now, things are so much different. I'm grasping at straws that were my old life. I no longer find joy in the same company, or solace in my independence. I don't want to sound needy. I just want to know that I'm working hard for something other than myself. I've made a lot of decisions in my past based on my own self-satisfaction. Decisions that have ended friendships and what was ultimately the best relationship. After that, I promised myself that I was going to be better. And I was going to start doing things for the greater good, and not for selfish reasons. This becomes a problem with my current state because right now, I'm all that I have. The people I have surrounded myself with have slowly started turning their backs on me. I'm exhausted with being that "go-to" person that my family depends on. I dropped out of school, because I didn't see the point. No one was excited to see me bettering myself. "Heather, you should do things for yourself. Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?" I know. That's the problem. I've been doing things for myself for a very long time and I want to break that habit. I know that if I ever want to be in a successful relationship, I have to look passed myself and act in the best interest of the team. I just don't have good practice at that yet. I look at the people in my life, and I just shake my head. There's no one that I absolutely "want" in my life. They're just there because they always have been. People are more of "habits" for me than they are necessities. I love my alone time. But there's a line where it becomes too much alone time.
I went back to Colorado this weekend, and spent time with my sister and my childhood best friend. It was beyond fantastic. I laughed hard for the first time in a long time. I had no responsibilities. No drama. I was there because I wanted to be, and they wanted me there. There was no necessity in my visit. And for the first time when I was driving back to Kansas, I felt like I was leaving home and going to visit Colby. It used to be the other way around. I don't know what this means. This feeling ignites a chain of thoughts in my head that could drive the most sane person crazy. "Should I move back?" "Where would I live?" "Where would I work?" "If I came back, would they appreciate me more?" "I moved away for a reason. Will that be a problem again?" "Is it in the best interest for my future?"
All of this is driving me crazy. And the hardest part is that I have no one to mull it over with. My sister and friend have their best interest at heart. Of course they want me to move back. They love and miss me. And I, them. I miss having someone that would listen to me rant and rave and cry, then in the end we would talk things out like adults and we would make a combined decision. That way the pressure of the situation was off me, but it was still solved. I lay down at night and I miss that face. I miss that voice. And I miss how it felt to be held after weekends like this.
In short, I hate where I'm at right now. I hate the people in my life. I've begun to hate my job. The only thing I have to look forward to are the weekends that I can finally go home and just sleep, and surround myself with people that don't drive me fucking nuts. I hate that I feel this way. And I hate that I can't talk to the one person that always seemed to fix the things in my life. I have my shit together, but I need to be weak once in a while. I need my time to cry. It just seems that no one is strong enough to handle that.
I'll figure out what this emotion is soon. And I'll fix the things that I hate. After all, I'm the only one that can, right? Someday I'll get my independence and control back. Someday I'll find someone that can appreciate that. Until then, I'll just be here. Trucking along life and attempting to figure things out that way I can help my family and friends when they get to this point.
I went back to Colorado this weekend, and spent time with my sister and my childhood best friend. It was beyond fantastic. I laughed hard for the first time in a long time. I had no responsibilities. No drama. I was there because I wanted to be, and they wanted me there. There was no necessity in my visit. And for the first time when I was driving back to Kansas, I felt like I was leaving home and going to visit Colby. It used to be the other way around. I don't know what this means. This feeling ignites a chain of thoughts in my head that could drive the most sane person crazy. "Should I move back?" "Where would I live?" "Where would I work?" "If I came back, would they appreciate me more?" "I moved away for a reason. Will that be a problem again?" "Is it in the best interest for my future?"
All of this is driving me crazy. And the hardest part is that I have no one to mull it over with. My sister and friend have their best interest at heart. Of course they want me to move back. They love and miss me. And I, them. I miss having someone that would listen to me rant and rave and cry, then in the end we would talk things out like adults and we would make a combined decision. That way the pressure of the situation was off me, but it was still solved. I lay down at night and I miss that face. I miss that voice. And I miss how it felt to be held after weekends like this.
In short, I hate where I'm at right now. I hate the people in my life. I've begun to hate my job. The only thing I have to look forward to are the weekends that I can finally go home and just sleep, and surround myself with people that don't drive me fucking nuts. I hate that I feel this way. And I hate that I can't talk to the one person that always seemed to fix the things in my life. I have my shit together, but I need to be weak once in a while. I need my time to cry. It just seems that no one is strong enough to handle that.
I'll figure out what this emotion is soon. And I'll fix the things that I hate. After all, I'm the only one that can, right? Someday I'll get my independence and control back. Someday I'll find someone that can appreciate that. Until then, I'll just be here. Trucking along life and attempting to figure things out that way I can help my family and friends when they get to this point.
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