went to church--sort of

This has been a bad day. I've probably gone through about every negative emotion there is, and then some. Saw my therapist today. That helps. Been trying to hook up with a bereavement support group. My hospice has 2--but neither of them meet this week. I checked out the website for the hospice where I'm moving and they had a 6-week Parental Grief Support group starting next week. Perfect--called them and was told they weren't having the group because they didn't have enough people sign up. I felt like screaming at the woman--take it off your website then! Then she started telling me about a Traumatic Death group, which she said had a lot of parents in it. I was trying to explain that was not what had happened to Leslie, and she interrupted and said "Your daughter did die, right?" How I remained civil after that stupid comment is beyond me. No, I'm doing this because I want a fun night out. Really?

There is a group not associated with hospice that meets the first Wed. of the month. Check that one out. It's only a few blocks from my new apartment. 

I came home tonight and played solitaire online. Most of the night. Then around 10:45 I just felt I needed to get out. Got in the car and drove a few blocks away to a church which I know has a pretty garden. Had kind of a one-sided shouting match with God. Why? Why wasn't Leslie diagnosed earlier? Why was she so pig-headed about going to the dr.? In a good world she would have been diagnosed before the damage was too severe. She would have stopped drinking and maybe turned her life around and still be here. Why? Yelled about Leslie, yelled about Cliff, yelled about how stupid the whole world was. Sitting in a church garden yelling at the sky. Hey. whatever helps. I do feel somewhat calmer now. And no one came to cart me away...

Took my bedtime cocktail of 3-4 Benedryl, 50 mg of melatonin, a clonazepam. Had a glass of wine before. With some luck I'll sleep 5, maybe even 6 hours? Maybe one morning I'll wake up and not immediately be socked in the stomach by misery. Meant to take a shower tonight--I have the morning off tomorrow--an eye dr appt at 9:30 then meeting Jason and Lena for an early lunch before I have to go to work at 1. Maybe, unlike Saturday, I can get through this without calling my granddaughter Leslie. The 3 L's. Leslie, Lena and Lucy. 2 L's now. I'll probably be up at 5:30 or so anyway--take a shower then. Today before I went to the therapist I wiped myself down with some wet wipes. Forget when I took a shower last. Really need to do that tomorrow. 

Forgot about picking up the dog again. His sitter has been wonderful and very understanding, but I need to say I'm going to pick him up one of these days and actually do it. Maybe it would be good to have him around. He'll at least make me go outside and get some exercise. I can only imagine how confused he is. 

Starting to get sleepy. Read a little bit and see what happens. Another fun day tomorrow........