went back to work
Today was mt first day back to work. Stayed at the office until noon and then worked at home the rest of the day. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, no one acted to awkward. I was surprised. And I didnt cry at all while I was there. Im shocked.Every morning I wake up crying, and go to bed crying. A friend came over this evening, I felt ok until now, I feel so lonely. I am not home alone, my husband is here, my older daughter will be home after dinner. It has been 34 days since the accident and I just feel like I am going crazy, I need to know where my Marissa is. I need to know she is ok. I know you all understand how badly I long for her. I just need to KNOW not simply believe. Maybe that will bring a little comfort? Everyone keeps saying it is so soon and the pain is so new but to me it feels like it has been a lifetime. , I cant believe it has ONLY been 34 days, How do I live without her? This doesnt seem possible. I almost NEED to hear this will get easier, how can I wrap my head around God letting something as tragic as this accident with 2 young girls with so much life and potential die if there werent a greater purpose? Someone PLEASE tell me my baby is happy and safe!
Replies
I\'m not sure that it ever gets easier, yet it does change. Somehow each of finds a way to learn how to carry and to integrate this profound sorrow and loss into our BEing. It takes tremendous courage to try to live life and your going back to work was a big step.
The needing to know that our children are okay is a powerful one. I\'m hoping that you will feel Marissa and that she will let you know.
Gentle care to your shattered and longing heart and SO much understanding,
Just this moment and just this day is the only way I have made it these six plus years and trusting what the moms a few steps ahead of me told me that they were surviving and I would too.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Oh Angie, it took me a long while to get to the place where I am today. I remember feeling exactly how you describe it. Even with my husband and daughter in the house, I felt so alone, sad and in constant heart-wrenching pain. I didn\'t see how I could go on without my son.
I went back to work after 11 weeks and was never the same as I was before. My co-workers wanted \"me\" back but that just never happened. I was fortunately able to retire 15 months ago. There are still days that I feel lonely and very sad, especially at night when the dark sets in. At those dark times, I try to distract myself with a good book or movie or extra work around the house while listening to music, anything to keep myself from going \"there\".
What brings me peace and comfort now is really knowing that Jared\'s energy and presence is still alive and well and finally at peace. How do I know this? I \"talk\" to him and ask him to give me signs of his presence for which he has obliged me countless times. I try to stay open to his communication by constantly telling him how much I love and miss him and my need to \"hear\" from him on occasion. I\'ve even asked him to come into my dreams and give me a hug. I\'ve had a few dreams like that which were so clear even though it brought tears to my eyes upon awakening. I also keep doing activities in his name and memory.
Angie, I know you\'ve heard this over and over, but this road will get a little smoother as you adjust and let Marissa\'s energy spread into the fabric of your whole life. There will continue to be good days and not so good days. It\'s par for the course.
One day and moment at a time dear friend is all we can do. I hope this day brings you some peace and comfort.
Love and a tight hug,
Diane
I\'m sure I wrote this exact same journal 8 years ago.
I can\'t tell you how you will know, but I can tell you, Marissa is trying very hard to get the messages through. I believe as hard as we try to \"hear\" they are trying to \"speak\".
My Kala has always been very good at communicating with me. I haven\'t always been very good at hearing or accepting her messages as truly being from her. Not in the beginning. My \"brain\" got in the way.
What I\'ve learned over the years, and not just from my Kala, but from many of our kids (once an FMO mom, all the kids are \"our kids\") is that they ARE and they are FULL OF LIFE and full of LOVE. They seem to each find a particular way to let us know it\'s them. Their personalities always seem to remain the same as on earth. If they were a prankster on earth, they are still pulling pranks.....if they had a strong like, or dislike even, for something, you may start finding that same thing cross your path...music, smells, art, sports, movies, animals....it\'s endless the ways they can and DO communicate. And it always makes me smile when it\'s something that is so like them and mom can say, \"I just knew it was him/her because that is something they loved to do\"...etc.
It took me a long time to come to grips with MY belief of MY truth....that God neither caused, nor could prevent, the accident which took my child from earth life to spirit life. So, I no longer have the need to seek the \"greater purpose\" of her no longer being on earth. For ME, there is no greater purpose, it was simply an accident and my child did not survive. And because of the accident we are now living the lives we are....me as a human, and her in spirit. I\'m still Teri and she\'s still Kala. I\'m still mom, and she\'s still daughter. And yes, 8 years later it still sucks....
BUT, I can say with 100% truth and honesty, my life (well, except for my sons addition battles right now) is full of love, laughter, excitement and joy. Life can be good....and you can be excited about living it....but not today, not yet.....but I promise, it will come. You WILL find your LIFE again.
Just keep hanging on and do things in small steps, small degrees, as you\'re able. NOT as you or anyone else thinks you \"should\". Should went out the window, now it\'s about what we can do....and as our sweet LivingJuicy (my JJ) always says, that is enough.
Sending lots of love energy to you and to your beautiful Marissa. I\'m sure Kala has found her by now and will teach her, and learn from her, many things!